unfaithfully yours

I am back again

2011-11-24T04:10:00.000-08:00

Persian counts baby is lovely... welcome to my mental world... its been 5 months, buddy the wonder dog doesn't like the baby though!! Theres a surprise.... so yes I am still seeing him, why ? you ask....!!! nobody else to replace him... its bloody tough out there, and I have turned into a full time alcoholic... its costing me a fortune at Nicolas wine shop.....I don't feel safe doing dinner and just having one bottle of wine, I am a 2 a night girl now, although I do share.. sometimes.....

So fuck it I LOVE WINE , SO WHAT....

Had the Hoff for dinner last night, his wife and BABY are away in Serbia, so I my cooking and dining companionship are required, but not without PC.. we had an okay night, feel quite disturbed sitting with them both while they discuss their babies... Its a strange old world, well in my world it is.... God I have missed blogging...

This morning while at work, in my shitty office in Queens park, the wrong end .. my neighbours in the grocery shop, don't just sell milk... if you get my drift... it is quite funny here though.. so the Hoff calls, invites PC and me out to lunch sunday, he likes PC, but did say he was rather disappointed in the fact that at my birthday he saw PC coming out of the loo, in 2's, wiping his nose.. I vehemently denied the fact that he dabbled a bit in the hard stuff.... but Hoff knew.... and he didn't like it , not one bit.....

I am off to the Cotswolds later for a night of passion and sleep ( I have not been sleeping) but I don't feel like passion...... just wine will do

IT JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT WORSE

2011-05-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

The whole of st johns wood know about our latest drama........Baby due any day......The persian is in a loveless marriage, got her pregnant when just about to leave for me........Timing was horrendous, he wanted to tell me, days went into weeks, weeks into months until we are almost 9months...... I keep walking past baby shops, gutted...

Have spent the whole week, laughing with Delila through my tears... bastarding him off every 2 seconds... Saffy and my new pa Abigail, got a little plan , they customised the backgammon board he bought me, with things like PERSIAN CUNT, DONT MESS WITH THE BIG TITTY COMMITTEED, a little word game inside, They then went to the local bookies where he practically lives and handed it over for his attention... He collected it and promptly threw up in the high st...

Yesterday we had a huge work meeting, will explain later, but all went well, so D and I put on our high heels and went to Scotts........ well 2 bottles of champagne later, who walked in ....? Persian with his mates, strangely it couldnt have gone better as D and I were sitting with 2 friends from IBIZA.... I laughed at the way it looked.... anyway the day flew by, champagne flowed, laughter and tears... I went to the toilet and as I came out, there he was, he threw me into the ladies, pulled my hair back and kissed my neck........we went all the way, not romantic, but needed.......oh god my belly went over and is going over just thinking about it

D and I left with our 2 guys, but half an hour later, I left them and jumped a cab back to Persian ......... we left and sat in the Connaught, so glamourous and perfect.......... yep we ended up back in bed..............

This morning taking the gremlin for a walk in the park, there he was again.......crying to me how much he loves me, he hasnt led 2 lives, just one with me.........he is destined to stay with her and me , well I am alone again..............

NO MORE MARRIED MEN

THE BAD NEWS DEPARTMENT

2011-05-10T05:36:00.000-07:00

Went for a little drive with the Persian..... he has a brand spanking new range rover, hence hands free phone..... He had been chatting business with a friend, I as usual was on my blackberry..... almost ignoring him, when I heard....' so mate, seems like congratulations will be in order soon! baby due any day!!!"

Whaaaaaat.. I hear myself scream.......... flabbergasted, lost for words......Incredulous.......

'so when were you going to tell me ?" I say.... not even shouting, too shocked for words, not sure whether I want to laugh, cry, gasp......that weird out of body feeling.........

' I LOVE YOU " he says, cries almost .... when was the right time " I tried"

my family wouldnt let me..... ' oh really, you are 40 years old '

YOU FUCKING BASTARD............. and that was the end of him

FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

2011-05-05T07:45:00.000-07:00

Although pmt to death.....Hoff has now invited me and Iranian to Harry's Bar saturday night.....too much madness

1. I fucking cant stand looking at the Persian...../ Iranian... what the fuck.... you know when you really know you are over someone, when you hate every little thing they do? before he could have said anything and I would have fallen about laughing!!

2. I dont want to bloody go to dinner with the ex and wife, its just too weird...

3. And I dont want to go to Forte Dei Marmi, on a family holiday... I did that when I was married to him.........

Oh god, my mum has given me a power talk today, get rid of all the exes... I hadnt told you on William's 20th in January, I had the Hoff, Persian, son's boss( ex) and the out of work supermodel........it was kind of funny, not so when I slipped and fell on grease in the middle of Momo's.......

I want my own man, my own castle, perhaps a baby, prob can buy one somewhere I am sure of that, a nice one though....

At work, fluctuating between blogging, getting distracted by so many screens, net a porter, rightmove( castle shopping) and email bookings....

bank holiday madness/sadness

2011-05-02T00:48:00.001-07:00

compelled to come back blogging and write this

Saffy's 18th went down well , The Summer house , little venice.... everyone, friends and family and the persian came along with me.... The Hoff came with his wife, I was on best behaviour, not necking the wine at breakneck speed, until I saw the monster on her finger which was a canary yellow god knows how many carats, but value £250.000 yep quarter of a mill!!! I was stunned, and going greener with envy by the minute, soon I was speed drinking..........

Ugh!!!

But a great time was had by all, I had had a million phones calls prior to the lunch from the Hoff, saying he was NOT paying for everyone, this went on and on ....I dont argue anymore, but pay he did, for godsake his daughter's 18th and there were only 16 of us..... He bought her one boob, ( she wants a boob job>>>I know its madness, but she does have one more than twice the size of the other) so I have had to pay half, even though his wife is going in a week later, same surgeon and yes of course he is paying..... Incidently the butcher of brazil... lol, did my lipo 2 weeks ago, OMG amazing, finally got the waist back I had 15 years ago.....

Bank holiday weekend..... For the 6th time, the Hoff insisted we all go to his for lunch yesterday.... I have politely declined 5 times and sometimes just not even turned up....! rude I know , but do you want to know why? He lives in a castle...........I dont know how much more he wants to rub my nose in it.... so yesterday I deliberated and was going, wasnt going , was , wasnt until Saffy just said , " oh for god's sake get it over with and go, he is never going to stop inviting you until you do'.... my son really didnt want me to as he knew how upset I was going to be.... So I held my breath, called up the Hoff.....' look I really feel uncomfortable and down right crazy about coming to yours for lunch, do you want to see ME or do you just want to show me what you have etcc... with that I burst into tears on the phone, he assured me he wanted to see me and I was mad to think he wanted to make me jealous...... Okay, I legged it to Nicolas wine shop, best montrachet and champagne, then baby gap( they dress the baby like a boy and really cheap) .... insisted the Persian came along, he was not that amused.......

my fave sis in law was there and we had a truly lovely day.......... and yes it was a mansion , castle , I dont think I have ever seen rooms that big, and so much of my old beautiful antique furniture, photos everywhere of the Hoff and wife.......and my kids ...........I think I did rather well to cope........

We watched BGT and left........I silently cried under my sunglasses, then cried myself to sleep.

Today is another day and I have to re evaluate my life...dump the Persian and carry on

Bin laden is dead.....

ITS BEEN A LONG 6 MONTHS BUT NOW I AM BACK

2010-12-20T04:01:00.000-08:00

Sad to say, I am broken hearted, but this time for real

The Iranian and I fell in love, what more can I say.....

we had ups and downs, the odd lets finish this, he cannot see himself leaving bla bla, no fairy tale ending..... huge emotional times in Cafe Rouge, tear jerking moments when they played some sad french song.... They know us now, we are called the ST ...... wood's golden couple......

I made plans to go for IVF in Iran early next year, hell I even nearly told him my real age

We spent every waking moment together, its been intense...

Yesterday in the snow in the park, I just had to know where we were going and when and would he leave.. I am off to Goa wednesday so I just had to know....

We walked through the park, the tree lined bit thats so romantic, he told me a story about a film, where two people were so in love, but somehow the guy let the girl down... They parted... a while later , the guy still in love with her, walked through the park, she walked towards him, he smiled she just walked on by....

I sit at my desk, without eyelashes( because the cockney chinese girls put false lashes on me and every other sad girl in essex, you know it, my lashes have all fallen out) so with puffy eyes and no eyelashes I look like a nutter...

cry, I have never cried like it

I want to feel ok, its fucking christmas.......he is staying with a wife he never sees and doesnt love......... alone again

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

2010-07-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

Getting my act together ish.......no still drinking, and sorry to say still partying....... as much as ever

but have a feeling its all going to change, I am now CHANTING.......I love it , Buddhism is the way forward......I have been told I can chant for what I want and will get it, my friend who told me this, has no idea how greedy I am....... its slightly difficult chanting and thinking or asking for stuff, I wonder if this really is going to work!!!!! but its a fab distraction and its making feel nice

Saffy caught me yesterday and took a video of me, she laughed........I sighed ... it could've been worse, catching me chanting surely is much better than being caught running round the house naked swinging from chandaliers, which incidently I have never done........

Life is good, fantastic in fact, I am happy, so happy......reasons to be cheerful? so many.

Persian and I really stepped up the game, running ( badly) chilling in the park, fresh air inspectors are we....... eating, more chilling in the park......generally fucking about a lot......him going slowly skinter, me just not a care in the world.....NOT great for someone who is just embarking on brand new fashion business......... so we had THE CHAT............' There will not be a fairy tale ending" says he........'why?' says I ......... ' I am never leaving, will always be married!" ' oh fine" NOOOOOOOOOOTTTTT...........argh! fuck fuck fuck, or rather we wont be doing that again........oh but we did , 3 times in 1 hour, have thrush now......no suprise there then.

Joking aside, we like each other so much and we started out as friends, took us 4 years to get to a relationship, and 4 minutes to be out of it, we have decided friends it is, so now we see each other MORE........ we chill in every london park, I sit there on the deckchairs with my knickers on, cos its hot as you know and I dont usually carry random bikinis...... I dont wear matching underwear, or even glam knickers....... never saw the need....... so there we are , him with no top on, me no jeans on, eating ice creams and talking utter crap......... we looked at each other and quietly smiled.........we really are friends, and it really gives me goose bumps............

see ya all tomorrow , cos I am back

ME AGAIN boring I know so sorry

2010-06-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

But fuck all else to do

I want to write a book........do you think I could

?????????????

forgot to tell you, Bash ( what is the point in giving him a different name as nobody knows him , unless of course you go to the STEELES) bought me a I PAD tonight.......... along with giving Saffy and all her mates money.........but I think he would be a fucking nightmare, and he is 30.........I am

do you know how old? so I wont tell...........but old, but look young, feel free to comment my friends!!!!!!!!!!

why am I sitting at my computer out of it?????????? my ex used to do this, I used to go mental, and could never understand,,,,,,,,,,,,,,my running partners are prob in bed, I am stuffed!!!!!!!!

I CANT SLEEP

WILL THOSE AWFUL BIRDS GET ME??????? I HATE THEM, funny though , on the drive to Babington , I had the most lovely African taxi man, when a pheasant walked by , he did say , ' oh what a lovely chicken' it cracked me up

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FAL IN LOVE

2010-06-10T16:37:00.002-07:00

I'm never gonna fall in love again........

persian boy.......love him.....races last week, then off with delila and her man to his house in the middle of nowhere, DEL BOY hot tub, hilarious, lots of champagne and class A.... BUT shit , so it could have easily have been talc, not johnsons, cos it didnt smell fresh!!!!! but we ended up in bed at 11pm. up at 12.30 for taxi on our epic journey home, taxi had an almightly crash, P said '' it is fine you only did the bumper'.......yeah right, more like took the whole side of the car off......but what did we car, we had a 2 fucking hour journey home to ST J WOOD........ and he had to go to the races the next day, me however I stayed in bed till 9am, which is ghastly for me, as I am a 6am girl........

had a fab , lovely , champagne , cuddly time.......... I LOVE HIM....... not in the rockstar way, girlies believe me this time, I MEAN IT.......BUT the fucker is married......... AGAIN,,,,,,,,,,,,, WHY??????ARGH

next day and day after and on and on, we run, shite I must say cos I am crap and so is he , and our trainer, BARRY THE BUBBLE. AKA DEL BOY TRAINER..... does a million no shows, out of his nut no doubt.......we march on round the regents park running track. shite shite and crapper than old people, the gerbil on tow, we get told off by some old busy body .......we smile and say the meerkat has been mistreated and we have to have him with us......

next day , the step ........OSLOW COURT......... run, outer circle , fucking hideous, sit on our ben ch ' this is no good, persian says, we are falling in love, I MEAN IT. lets call it a day and just run' he says........ I say OK and walk home and cry all the way to Babington House........... where Delila is as usual there to comfort me......bless her, she is a typical chinese MONKEY always the solver of problems, except her own and she has many.!!!!!!!! I LOVE HER..... she is my rock and I dont know what I would do if she were not in my world.......our trainer at B house, a small good looking MARINE, I have utmost respect for these guys who have fought for us in AFGHAN AND IRAQ........ He is a sweetheart but as usual blown away by the venue and D and I , but he does so fancy D, I send random I love you , miss you stupid texts to the PERSIAN........ HE does not respond........what a suprise, MEN YOU CUNTS............if any of you are my followers, you absolute DICKHEADS. I HATE YOU..................... drunk again. fall in to our bed, we share a bed D and ME....... talk a bit of pissed talk, pass out

up 6am. cos we are HARDCORE,..............

PS I am pissed right now, P has been with me all day.....................run, breakfast, lunch, ( he forgot to put a bet on that won massively, he is a gambler) not funny

we came back to mine, listened to DEAN MARTIN et all..........nice, romantic, went to bed, AMAZING...............I DO REALLY LOVE HIM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Its a sad sad situation, so sad so sad, why cant we talk it over? you know the song...........we did, he aint leaving, we finished to be bessie mates, cos we love each other deeply............................... its sad........... 2 bottles of white wine, its really fucking sad

saffy the greedy night spoiler made me buy 4 pairs of prada shoes and a bag in the sale down the street..............fucking great

Ian quiet.............he aint leaving I suppose

BASH , turned up , he is lovely , like a cariciture.......( wrong spelling) funny , generous, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.............in the pub in front of all Saffy's ,mates. gave them all money and a little extra, not her of course.............MASSIVE fight in the hood..........wow wow we wa .....it was a site to be seen, rich lambourgini guys and local council estate guys , it really kicked off, but BASH saved the night, he is cool...................

Saff and the guys from the hood have all gone to WHISKY MIST...........ME?????? oh well as usual alone.........drinking .......drunk........blogging, what else to do........too pissed to read ALLEN CARR'S stop DRINKING................I dont like him>????????? I am lonely

and whats the point in seeing anyone who is married ??????? not cool!!!!! will I ever settle down?

I want to!

so alone in my lounge at my computer, mildly paranoid........... but most importantly on my own........stuck so much gear up my arse( yes I DO that) ........ somebody call me

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FAL

2010-06-10T16:37:00.001-07:00

WILD CHILD PRODUCTIONS

2010-05-27T08:44:00.000-07:00

The day Saffy went bad......there was no stopping her....

I must admit, her choices were limited in France..... we did agree and the machine was starting to look attractive to all of us. His stories of Afghan , oh how brave he is, and how fit he is, my my machine what big abs you have ' all the better to crush you with my dear'... and on we all went, cackling like school girls, thats moi, saff, Delila and guests , clients, campers , whatever they want to call themselves..

The alan carr booked thrown in the bin, the CHABLIS was out, not forgetting the 12 bottles of CAVA one lovely guest brought with her.........we laughed, took videos, sang and boy did we all DRINK.......

Me, ? well you will never guess it, but with nobody to fancy and maul, I took myself off to bed... if you will remember I had mauled the MACHINE that night on video, so he was not appealing to me anymore...... but he was to everyone else......bored and slightly , ever so slightly pissed ( cos cava , even 3 bottles to myself does not touch the sides) I went up the glorious marble stairs........guests all tucked up, except a couple of naughty ones.......Chef , D , Saff and the machine were still going strong.........

I had noticed that Saffy had a real thing for the Machine, not too much of an age gap, her 17 to his 29, I could kind of understand the mutual attractive, but I had a lot of respect for Machine and knew he would just let her innocently flirt with him and leave it at that, so I thought!

Deep in sleep, up she comes, crying, moaning and going on ' muuuuuum, guess what ? Delila and Machine had sex in the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!' and on and on she went , I got her in with me in my single bed, cuddled her off to sleep.. I will sort this in the morning, but one thing I did know, D would not have done that...

0600 hours, I am up , all are dying of hangovers...........I get Machine up , ' coffee , you and me downstairs, 5 minutes'

Sure enough, Saffy was her mother's daughter and had tried to rape him......yeah folks I know , he is a 6 foot strapping marine boy........flattered and unsure what to make of all this

' No Saffy, I cant, your mother is my boss, bla bla'

'I dont care, come with me, lets swim naked bla bla'

sounds like someone you know? yep I am with you on that one

they had a kiss, then D went a bit mad, took him into the loo , for a chat........thats where the D had sex in the toilet thing came from

but Machine did have a little kiss with D on that night too.........

up gets the wild child, we have coffee and chat, she is feeling embarrassed.....' DONT WORRY DARLING, NOBODY DIED' we all do these things, dont we? did she fancy him? NO..........

What was it all about then ? DRINK..........yep you got it

so wild child and D had a giggle, talked about how they had the beer goggles on and all that , and we live to see another day

just one day in the life of Delila, Aveline and now Wild Child

I THINK I AM ABOUT TO START A CULT

2010-05-27T02:23:00.000-07:00

My campers somehow come to camp as one person and leave as another or even sometimes with another.......Even the French retreat has clients going off their heads..

So we have decided to start a cult......we thought we could all live together, the staff that is, and the clients lives that have now been ruined can come and live with us too......

First on our list of things to do though, is a chinese menu of sorts, that will have a wide choice of yummy trainers to choose from, now we were thinking, guests could have some kind of room service, maybe a massage with a happy ending or a real personal one to one session.......This will be exclusive only to our private members campers, the ones who have been to camp more than once that know just how crazy camp really is.......This lot will be in on the chinky menu of fine delicacies other wise known as the trainers......

So what about us, well we will have tried and tested every one of them of course, so will mark them from 1-5, 1 being rubbish 5 being excellent.......you see Delila and myself do like to be honest , so there will be no holding back on the marks.

The CULT will hold weekly meetings about how to brainwash and entice new members.......letting in the odd waif and stray but largely keeping to the good looking brigade..

we will hold monthly discos and clothes swapping parties ...........for any membership enquiries please contact myself on the blog

ITS A PEACEFUL FEELING, FRENCH RETREAT, JUST WHATS NEEDED

2010-05-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

Wow is all one can say, to describe this idyllic chateau would be impossible.........I arrive, my guests arrive,everyone blown away by its sheer beauty........even Saffy arrives, and is in total wonderment, is that a word? well whatever, this is heaven, sheer bliss.........and Delila and I have pulled it off big time.......fuck Norfolk, we cant be arsed now, its pop up bootycamps all the way, but only with SUN and 5 star accomodation..

Chef is with us, but as a guest, friend, we owe him for god's sake, the loyal darling has been with us from day 1......DAY ONE AT THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE, and has suffered waiting for wages and god knows what else, so our gift to him is bringing him to heaven ,no work, no fussy fuckers , no clearing up, rose wine and champagne all the way.

whats really strange for me, it sitting by the pool with D, Saff, Chef, and marine boy , oh and guests who are darling, I look around, contently for a change and think to myself, my ex the HOFF would surely like to buy this place, buy his friends and have a thoroughly boring , arse licking to other rich people that are not his friends, but here I am , not a tenth as rich as he but rich in friends, I love the people I am with right now, I want to cry with joy seeing Saffy hiking with a daisy chain on her beautiful head, watching her loving being with my lovely friends and clients that are REAL, seeing her just be herself, me who would rather top myself than put shorts on, wearing shorts, cos I dont give a damn, WHY???????? I AM WITH FRIENDS........thats why.......... D and I have almost made it, we have a great business, still not taking a wage, but we are on the way, we love our job, we sometimes pinch ourselves , life is good.........Now readers, bloggers, followers, dont get me wrong, dont think I am being smug, just sometimes life is not all sex, drugs and rock n roll, sometimes life is chilled, peaceful and happy.......... that is where I am right now.......

and it also helps working on camps where I dont want to jump in bed with the trainers......so much better........I have been thinking about the old Hottie of late, I unpacked my case and found the red AGENT PROVOCATEUR knickers that he did so love, I laughed when I unpacked them and sighed with a laugh when I said to D about the night he wore them

I am in bed , opposite her, the mentalist, I heard her talking into her phone, quack quack quack quack, thats our piss take for the posh investor, he bores on like a quacking duck........another one of those , you had to be there....

Saff is in the garden chatting and drinking ...........I LOVE HER DEARLY

ITS ALL GOING TO BE FINE......I HAVE ALLEN CARR'S DO NOT DRINK BOOKS

2010-05-19T11:20:00.001-07:00

Taking all 4 of them to France, such a damn shame as I do love local french.........somehow drank locally just does it for me

Talking of doing it for me............My day.........oh my, what a day .

Got to set the scene....... 4 years ago, a date a year, seriously and I kid you not.......... The persian , london persian .......happens to live in my neighbourhood......I take gerbil for a walk and bump into him a week ago, within this week we have seen each other every day, every night...... I cant stop kissing him, not the sado snogging in pubs, I dont do that anymore.......the constant kiss kiss kiss on the cheeks, like when you really like someone.....he is so handsome , oh and get this 39..... better you all think? yeah me too.......

sunday lunch with the family, Saffy too, Persian turns up just to say HI and ends up having lunch, doing the local pub crawl, madly ending up in the STEELES.......if any of you followers are local, you will know what the Steeles is famous for !!!!!! if you dont them I aint telling ..

Saff, likes him so much, she asks him ' please be my step dad?' ' I will never ever accept any of my mums boyfriends , only you"... excuse me Saffy, you gave in and said you actually like the ROCKSTAR too , and if my memory serves me right, you also wanted your bro's boss to be your step dad......but we are singing off the same hymn sheet now........

fast forward last night.......ended up out again with P, but not late he walked me home around 9pm, suggested I cook lunch today......

TODAY arrives, I am at the butchers, sadly not the one where the guy fancies me and I get a whole leg of lamb for a tenner....... nope , no time for that, its the organic butcher , that should wear a mask they are so expensive.....£40 quid for a leg of lamb , daylight fucking robbery.....

lamb in oven, DONE

house tidy, DONE

hair washed, DONE

changed outfits 25 times, ALMOST DONE

He arrives, we eat, we chat , we almost go to the park, the bloody park I ask you........why?

no way are we going to the park thinks I....... a quick kiss should get this out of his head, 10 mins of sofa snogging and we are upstairs in bed....... I have NEVER had sex like this, I do remember how good it was , but it was better, my tummy did butterflies, we didnt do anything outrageous, it was just mind blowing chemistry, I didnt have to try, or even fake it............ oh my brain has turned to MUSH.......

This is love......... no dont try telling me its lust and here we go again.........I want him.......... but he got married 15months ago...........and wants a baby......and I have lied about my age AGAIN......

Can I survive France without him, can I survive ALLAN CARR?

I have a warm cosy feeling inside me and its not just the red wine.....he he

but one thing is strange, I am struggling a bit to walk, well I have had worse things to struggle with..........

goodnight poppets, I am watching DEAR JOHN, well if I can work the cd thingy, but wait, gladys pipps is on magic fm.........

I love/hate this feeling.............HELP ME ..........Drowning in my feelings ............

GIRLS ON FILM, ACCIDENTLY

2010-05-16T01:37:00.000-07:00

Drunk........again ! but on shots this time, so ladylike dont you think?

got rid of most of my clients from the hills have eyes local pub........just me 118, Britney and our celeb left...... we all stagger home to camp, but Britney 'oops I did it again' and celeb were on the go slow....strange thinks I ......but drunk as I was and blind as I am, but I do have a super power, I am long sighted... ha ha ..... with my super range vision I spy the two liggers snogging up against a lamp post, somewhat disappointed , because I had plans for Brit that night, I hang onto 118 and we make it back, back to the kitchen that has nothing but fucking vegetables in the fridge...I found some oat cakes, pesto, humous, random, but I was starving....fucked 118 off and went up to my room that I shared with Delila........but wait......The marine was on my bed half naked, he didnt realise how pissed I was so he invited me to say HI to the girl he was chatting via video with on his screen, I politely said hello, then for some fucking unknown reason I took all my clothes off, and cuddled him and tried to drag him to bed, ' come on , just get in bed and give me a cuddle?' (ps I meant cuddle , not shag) just so as you know.......yes I know that is a first for me, but somewhere deep inside me I am a shy girl!!!!!!!! all this was going on and being watched by the girl he has been after for a year, he had put in a years hard graft and there was me , HIS BOSS, half naked dragging him to bed, she watched it ALL... it got better because I then got in bed , grabbed his laptop determined to get rid of this girl, pressed all the buttons then finally pulled the lead out, crashed his computer, girl gone......

Cried about Brit not wanting me and passed out............meanwhile he had to kind of explain what had happend, and no it wasnt normal procedure, I was just mad....

must just tell you I am listening to the Carpenters , feeling happy stroke sad and confused..

meanwhile back at camp in one of the other rooms, our DOLCE super model decides to sleepwalk into mine and Delila's old room, staggers around looking to see who is in what bed, not us sadly but 2 posh clients, who turned him around and pointed him in the direction of his own room.....silly cows , he is LUSH....

5 minutes later, 118 walks into his room, but celeb is in his bed, I was in there the night before with Britney, so once again he gets chucked out of his own room, he now has to find a bed, so off he trots to yet again mine and Delila's old room, and doesnt just stand around, he actually tries to get in bed with the same posh client.......... pushed out again, he just thinks fuck it and gets in bed to spoon the celeb.......

GOOD TIME HAD BY ALL...........

I love my job................

our gay camper who I love to bits is enjoying all the shananigans, first thing in the morning he came running up to me

' what and where did everyone sleep last night, people were coming from all different rooms, not their own.! what happens here, ? do you just all throw the keys in the middle?'

No but we may as well do

Going home now to london, 118, ROCKSTAR and Britney all partied and stayed at mine last night, with MY KIDS......................I am getting a weird feeling about last night............

WHEN IT ALL WENT PEAR SHAPED

2010-05-15T23:36:00.000-07:00

I detest 118, he is a little cunt.......arse licking knob.....and actually not even attractive, so I beat myself up about our little night together.....

BFG big friendly giant, aka mr gorgeous, new name Britney spears , as in 'oops I did it again', will explain as we go along!

staff cocktail night, always a good one, get the trainers drunk then take full advantage, 'yep we do it different styley here'... so did indeed take full advantage of BRITNEY, but it was just a cuddle and little snog.......118 was left on the couch, we hoped he would stay there, but no the little knob came to his room, but I was in bed with Brit, we told him to go away and find another bed....

Delila had a spare one in her room, and of course he hopped in there like a eager little bunny..

The funniest thing was she was woken up by someone stroking her arm, shocked, she turned round thinking it was me and thinking what the fuck was I doing stroking her arm, she saw that it was in fact 118......the weird little twat......she was also PMT and really had it in for him...

The day went smoothly, lots of fun and laughter, we had a well known celeb on camp, who little did I know had a thing for Britney.......oops, I had chatted and giggled with her about getting in bed with him and so on.......you can imagine, she laughed but secretly hated my little story..

Friday night, guests and staff went to the local, now how to describe the local pub, put it this way as we all walked in, absolutely everyone put down their knives and forks and glasses and stared at us like we were out of space.......let me tell you, they were the ugliest bunch of critters I have ever seen in my life. One of my clients, 22 year old Dolce Gabbana super model ( male)...was totally mystified at this place, living in Milan he had never seen such people.......his face was a picture, oh and a picture of beauty......

Staff party went severely left..................

OOPS I DID IT AGAIN.......

2010-05-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

Oops........ my lovely quiet night in back in London.......watching eastenders, then the blackberry started buzzing, well how shall I describe this little number, HOT FUCKING STUFF ...... so classically handsome , funny, lovely pearly white teeth, brown eyes...... I loved him, we had a couple of little flings and I really honest to god would've married him, except he was getting married to someone else..

out of the blue I bumped into him in my high street, gave him my new number obviously and prayed he would call.....My prayers were answered, he called and how lucky was it that I was in london, one night only, special appearance....... 'come out for a drink, I am in the pub next door' says he........I was out the door like Zola Budd, but with shoes on!

Vodka cranberry please, large....... we chatted, kissed a bit, well what do you expect thats de rigeur in the local....... few raised eyebrows, but I am getting used to that... We said we loved each other, ahhhhh it was so nice...... but then one of the fun police called, Saffy, who incidently thinks he is lovely, cool, good looking, and ' why dont you marry him mum?'.....

'Hey mum can I come and join you both?' 'sure darling', it probably came out different to that as I was, you guessed it.......Drunk AGAIN......How did that happen, ? the fucking barman kept putting vodka in my cranberry, honest he did, it was a right liberty...........

I dont remember getting home, which is seriously disgusting and the best bit, or worst was Saffy videod me........How do I feel today? what do you reckon? mortified.......hideously disgusted with myself... she said we both made fools of ourselves and it was horrible.. I got told off BIG TIME..........

He called me early doors and said if he didnt know better he would have sworn someone put something in our drinks. yes they bloody well did, and I know who it was, it was the barman.....

I had a big meeting at 9am , dont know how I got through it, but one thing is clear, I HAVE A PROBLEM..............I am in the never again gang.........well sort of , cos now I am back at camp, writing my blog whilst chatting to my chef about our new trainer 118 we have named him , cos he is a know it all little fucker...........and yes he was the one who I gave the special interview to, oh yes how I wish I hadnt done that........argh!!!!!!

'Aveline , are you having white or red tonight' asks Pete the chef...........

'RED PLEASE PETE DARLING' a nice glass of red will do just fine......

SO TIRED BUT STRANGELY HAPPY

2010-05-10T01:17:00.000-07:00

Maybe it is just the closure with the Hoff, or the fantastic thought of moving out of london, or just being surrounded by Hotties, but I feel happy.

I dont have a real boyfriend, I wont pretend I dont want one cos I do....... I want one to cuddle up with at night, not just for the sex , although that is nice, and I do sometimes worry that I should consider sex anonymous rather than AA... or is there one that covers , SA, CA, AA , NA etc? if there isnt then someone must set one up, and include shopping anonymous too.... all signs of an addict, shopping, obsessing, sex, drugs, drink, oh and rock n roll, or groupie anonymous....

I like myself today, I like the fact my life is not boring, its chaos and I go from suicidal thoughts to being deliriously happy...some may say I am not happy and that I am searching, some may say I should write a book? I would kill to do a column, I think my blogs , would piss all over LIZ JONES'S diary.....if anyone out there does read her column/diary, getting really boring Liz....

Got a few dates lined up in london, seeing the RS next week, we thought about talking about work, charity and politics , bollocks to that , we are just going to get pissed. snog in public and get naked. Then I have pencilled in the Sugar Daddy, potential meeting in Madrid, plentyyyyyy of shopping, I mean tons, plenty of drinking, sadly probably get really hammered , then its boxing gloves on , headguard and hold on tight for the crazy night that follows the shoe shopping and drinking.... There is no such thing as a free lunch these days, and 10 pairs of jimmy choos, gold watches, and sports cars come with a heavy price tag... one that the faint hearted could not deal with, I call it TAKING A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE.. I put my red coat on when with Sugar and label myself Entertainments officer, I repeat in my head. Porsche, mercedes, Rolex, St Barts, never ever having to work again, and then the next day when reality and hangover sink it , I think, ' Whaaaat, beans on toast, ford fiesta, timex, brighton'. Make a fucking decision Aveline, whats it to be? Fast lane, sex drugs and rock n roll, or slow lane, sex drugs and rock star... laugh to myself..

Reality, never having to work again, sounds good eh? or working but not having to.... could I have Sugar and live with him full time, have it ALL, but what about the likes of HOTTIES AND ROCKSTARS, how would I fit them in, or more to the point how could I get away with having them too.. I am about to conjure up a mercenary plan, a devious little thought creeps into my head........ I got it....... I use Delila, I meet my lover at hers, say I am popping round and get my latest squeeze to be there too, easy peasy lemon squeezy.. Thats what I shall do

Hello Sugar , I am moving in.........

NOTE TO SELF.......MUST NOT SHAG THE STAFF

2010-05-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

Or pork the payroll, as I was once told....... er me????? yes me........since Hottie, it has become a hobby of mine.....otherwise known as 'the special interview'

well where to start...........

Arrive at camp ( soap opera) work kind of place....full of hot young fit staff , oh and clients....

Somehow Delila had booked 2 clients on a day early, fucking typical, she is an admin nightmare.. but luckily for me the coolest gay couple I have ever met, I only had to say hello and I knew they would be ok with staff piss up chinese night...... Have I mentioned that I run a fitness thing, cant say no more, but chinese and wine are not on the menu...

They joined us, and I started speed drinking, I tend to do this when I am really happy, excited etc.. one of the trainers who was a naughty boy on our last camp was there, and let me tell you, he is fucking gorgeous, I mean drop dead , and drop dead nice with it............He was sitting next to me, and apparently I behaved like a stupid teenager, which I seem to do a lot lately.....whatever... but wait .... ROCKSTAR'S mate was arriving to work for me for the week, remember I did a special interview with him........ but I had long lost interest in him, a flirt was nice but I had sights firmly on shall we call him? MR GORGEOUS yes that suits him......

I hate myself for being such a floozy, I could say slut, but floosie is so much more glamourous dont you agree????????

After bessie mating David up and stroking his hair telling him how cool he is and how I want to be his best mate( he was the client by the way) I somehow ended up disappearing with MR G..

To my room, double bed......leaving chef , clients and my old interviewee to their own devices......chef and clients got on it right away and knew where we had gone....

meanwhile back at the ranch, he he I was in bed with MR G , snogging the night away, thats all though just snogging.......I received raised eyebrows from chef and a pat on the back from Delila, when I said I felt bad and I should not have done that, bla bla, another trainer bla bla, she told me about her friday night......

Her friend and her husband came over to fix a cupboard for her, 9 bottles of wine and santas little helper later, D's friend Charlotte ended up stark naked in her living room, on all fours with a dog collar on with her husband leading her around the house on a lead.......now even I think that is crazy.......

Got a new name for Saffy........" THE NIGHT STEALER'. loving that one

funnily enough the FUN POLICE leave me alone when I am here, stupidly as I get up to much much worse....

I MUST STOP SHAGGING THE STAFF ..........

GROUPIE GIRL, YES ME!

2010-05-08T13:28:00.000-07:00

After the Fun Police, had me arrested I wondered should I really go to PROUD CAMDEN to see the rockstar gigging??????? er yes.......so chef and I hotfooted it to Gilgamesh, but hang on a minute, Saffy CALZAGE was in tow......she is heading up the FUN POLICE.....any fun and I am duly arrested and brought home

...oh Saffy darling .........do bore me later.......

if you were wondering why I have named Saf, CALZAGE, she threw a party last week, and yet again had a big old fight, nice, how ladylike saffy dear!!!!!!

so ok, Saff can tag along for dinner, bottle of wine and a mohito, chef and I were in a happy mood, but wait....... Saf didnt go to the boyfriends, oh no......she was coming to see the ROCKSTAR........

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO why do that to me.......but mother earth that I am , I said ' yes darling do come along'

off we went to the deafening place they call PROUD......fuck me, was I out of place.. no I looked cool, ripped Current Elliot jeans, Alexander Mcqueen top, DVF jacket, high heels, looking cool, but not looking 18...... suitably trendy for a 40 plus Groupie...

Rockstar, was like ' who is that?' oh blimey, its my daughter, lovely and beautiful and young, making me feel OLD........

well she left and I snogged the RS.......god do I like him? yes I bloody well do......here we go again

leaving PROUD, we all walk down camden high street, RS decides to take a piss up the wall , when some randomer pushes him, for no apparent reason, RS pisses all over himself, he is NOT happy, he chases the nutter down the road to beat him up...... I giggle like a 16 year old..... pathetic

We jump a taxi, get home, 10 missed calls from the FUN POLICE,' get home they scream via text'

oh bugger off you little buggers............

I come in with RS, bottle of champagne, I ask permission from the FP, ' I am having a drink in the basement with RS, do you mind darlings ? and leave me alone '

'NO , they scream in unison, come to bed!'

'Whaaaaat? I say, no way ' ' goodnite'

well I am not swinging from chandaliers, cos we dont have one! and I am not running round the house naked, I am just shagging RS stupid......bouncing about on top of him like a cheerleader on ecstacy.............

RECOVERING.........IN NORFOLK

2010-05-02T04:56:00.000-07:00

Thursday lunch, Saffy's birthday, ROKA..... nice, sensible, Jude Law sitting on next table, could've been closer, but hey.....

drank a lot of wine, was in good spirits and Saff was happy as we had my lovely friend, ex boss Austin along, but should not have invited him as he is a caner.....

Not content with leaving and going home at 4.30pm, we went to visit the original caners, in a restaurant nearby, champagne flowed and so did the class A... disgusting i know , but too weak to say no.......somehow I started to slur and I dont remember much else, Saffy left to see her friends, very annoyed with me to say the least........ Aust and myself went on to our local pub, they refused to serve us as we were too drunk, so we went to mine and Saffy's mates were all partying, I thinking that I am a cool mum wanted to join in, but as you can imagine I was NOT a cool mum, more like a disgusting embarrasment........ Austin and I were banished to the upstairs lounge, where we talked utter shite until 3am in the morning..

My walk in Primrose hill with the gerbil woke me up to reality that I do indeed have a drink problem...... I cried feeling sorry for myself and disgusted and really more than unhappy that the reality is I MUST GIVE UP.....

I called a good friend who has been clean and sober for 2 years, he came over, and took me in hand. He took us both to camden , where I laughed and cried and got told off by him and Saff...we bought this mad sage shit, to smudge my house and myself and the gerbil .... weird crazy shit but its apparently the thing in LOS ANGELES...... so who am I to diss it....

I bought a ton of it, as I think I need cleansing and smudging daily.

I jumped on the late train to my safe haven , the soap opera other wise known as bootcamp.... where I smudged everyone and the house, it smells like skunk.......

and what do ya know, an impromtu staff party .......... oh the drink flowed and the music blarred and the flirting started.... I refused even a glass of wine and took myself off to bed..........

good job as the night went badly, but thats another story.......

Here I am cooking roast dinner, feeling much better, spray tanned up, but orange, but better than pasty white........... wish I could live here, I am safe here, there are no hot men thats the only problem and since I have given up porking the payroll, sex is a bit thin on the ground...

NAKED CALENDER

2010-04-29T00:11:00.000-07:00

Loving this job...........I get to perve over 12 luscious marines , all naked ( covering their bits)

what a job......and in the process I get to be in one of them .........I had the poor photographer photoshopping the life out of my legs, in the end after 800 photos and lots of airbrushing I was finally satisfied.... I had my black and white photo framed and took it home with me, showed Saffy, she went mental 'you are not putting that on the wall mummy! are you?'

er yes saffy why? ' because all my friends fancy you anyway and its just not right' so I relent, ok I will put it on the wall in my own private bathroom, then I say ' do you like it though?'

her reply was a moody look, then she said ' I want mine done'...... bloody teenagers!

The Hoff is on his way over, its Saffy's 17th, so I have been up since 6am beautifying myself and tidying the house, he is a neat freak and will report back to the whole family most likely how fat I am looking .....well to be fair I am, and how fucked I look, NO I DONT.. and anything nasty, but he will be very charming to my face......bastard, two face rich bastard...

looking forward to the weekend, D and I have a free house in Norfolk, like 10 bedrooms but who to invite one asks oneself? rockstar? na he will be gigging, osteopath, hmm maybe, well I do have a bad neck, but he will probably be working, little Hottie, nope cos he is Rockstars bessie mate and I as you know love the RS...... ex super model, maybe, but he will be whinging and whining about how ill he is, oh and he will ask me for money, bloody hell, ooh maybe glen, but he will have the kids, better get myself on a dating site pronto

PS

2010-04-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

I LOVE THE ROCKSTAR

I am not liking this single bollocks

2010-04-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

No siree........if they aint too young, they are too old, if they aint too old , they are too mean and so it goes on!!!!!

getting ready , off to mean son's boss, you know the one I really really like, will for sure get hammered, and tell him I love him and why doesnt he leave his wife that incidently he is not happy with and has left before, but went back out of guilt..

I have a fabulous new dvf dress to wear, but my fake tan looks well dodgy, and I also have a whacking great bruise all the way along my calf, from falling off a bar stool saturday night while out with rupert the bear..

so yes Rupert, he has the message loud and clear....... but nicely, so this is a real winner, he just emailed me asking for Delila's number......I had to laugh while I readily gave it to him, she is not amused with me....

Not heard a lot from ROCKSTAR, but when I do, my stomach does a flip...... I got it sooooo bad.. off to see him at a gig 5th may , cant wait, really need something to make me not look like the oldest groupie saddo in town, it could come in the form of botox, illegal vitamin injections or my latest craze human growth hormone( which has yet to land on my doorstep) labelled with the promise to make me look and feel 18.. whoopee, just one minor set back , apparently your extremities can grow and you can get hairy hands, so will look young , have silky hair, beautiful skin, but giant feet , ears, hands and nose ( dont like the huge nose bit) hands and feet , hmm well ok, ears, well I have long luscious locks... I think its a small price to pay for looking 18 dont you???????

Its Saffy's 17th on thursday, I have already blown the price of a small house in top shop, but thats not enough, she wants a car, thats the HOFF'S job surely, but no that tight twat cant afford it, cant afford it my arse....... I want to really hate him right now, all smug with the serb and the new baby, the mansion and and and and fucking everything .......

so enough I am taking saff to little italy where we can dance our socks off, where nobody cares just what a dickhead you look, everybody is happy and everybody loves the old tunes, where you dont look or feel old just because you know all the words to ABBA.

I gotta dash

BLIND DATE, WISH I WAS BLIND

2010-04-26T13:46:00.000-07:00

So Canada guy arrived..........I waited patiently not excited in the bar at the Connaught, super cool by the way...... I couldnt see him, but then I had lost my glassed! so reception called his room, he told them to tell me to come on up, I called him back to say GO FUCK YOURSELF......not a great start.

remember me telling you he doesnt drink? no? well he doesnt....... so I ordered a couple of Bellinis, yes 2 just for me, I was in a speed drinking mood...... I watched the door, then the vision arrived, the vision of Rupert the Bear... yup, yellow shirt, yellow jacket, yellow and brown checked pants......... marvelous, and ginger., this just cant get any better can it?

oh yeah.......... get over the hideous looks in the Berkely, cos I looked fucking hot. and I also looked like a hooker ! and in this case I was not......... but worse was to come, as I had to go to Scotts with him , looking like that..... I just had to get over myself, I just thought FUCK IT, who gives a damn.......and duly got on with it. I did indeed speed drink my way through it, as he was also boring.

I started to get tetchy as I had no phone signal in Scotts, ( note to self, never go there again) so we went back to his hotel, worrying but I did it, nooooooo not did it, just went it the bar, and soooooo many fit guys I just wanted to die, but instead of die I drank shit loads of cocktails...... and whaddya know, who called me ....... DELILHA, yep she was out partying....... so I told Rupert, lets go, get a cab, now if this didnt turn him off me, fuck knows what would..

D as expected was out of it and so were all her friends, how we all ended up in the loos , leaving poor sober Rupert alone..... god only knows..... Finally after listening to ten ton of shit , and after me falling off my bar stool, he left....... D and I left at 6am .....

yep felt dire sunday morning, waste of a day.. and all that...

but felt strangely sorry for R, so ended up meeting him in Libertys, a little shopping whilst hungover would surely help....... a little shopping it was, a mingy bottle of perfume, that was it..... He then said , he was NUTS about me ( join the queue) he he, the only person I want to be nuts about me is ROCKSTAR........ but that little Hottie is too cool for school, so one must wait patiently ..... and just appreciate .. left Libertys in disgust , late lunch in Cecconi, yes of course I had a drink, and no of course he didnt, BORED rigid, I decided that it was his decision to come to london, I owed him nothing, there was no way I was about to do a mercy shag, not even a kiss....... even when he said he wanted to rip my clothes off and make love to me..... shudder the thought! then he asked if I minded that he told me that, I just said ' oh thats nice' DURR, big DURR.......

I hopped in a cab, got the sunday papers and went to bed to read..........

GOODBYE RUPERT

I LOVE THE ROCKSTAR

2010-04-17T00:52:00.001-07:00

Singing along to the radio, what a beautiful day...... blue skys, butterflies......feeling kind of smug.

He arrived on the dot 7pm, went to the local, drank wine, ate chicken satay, kissed, drank more wine, kissed ( saffy's little crew were in the pub, so felt like they were all watching, well they were)..... kissed a bit more, no full on snogged, which is not nice in public, went on to the zambuccas......caused a bit of a stir in the pub...

Nipped into my local heaving tesco, to buy a bottle of champagne, rockstar just put the bottle not discreetly in his back pocket!!!!!! there was a huge queue at the checkout, and a few of them all pointed to me that rockstar had left the building.... It was hilarious, but you had to be there.

Back to mine, oh no not a repeat of last saturday, where it was back to mine with HIS mate...... I couldnt help myself, when he said 'lets go to bed' .. I duly obliged.

we shagged for ages, so funny that he does not trim down there, now thats a first with his age group....but he says why the fuck should he! He is so rock n roll

His mate was calling and texting and emailing both of us, the last message to rockstar was

'your ignorance astounds me' we got that at 3am, it made us giggle like kids, I love that giddy feeling where everything is hugely funny even if it isnt.. and I bloody love him

and whaddya know, Hottie original was texting me during the date and most of the night, I loved the fact that I could ignore him, not just for the game but because I really meant it and have found a suitable replacement.

I do worry that he wont like me, that he thought I looked old in the morning, that it was just a shag, a conquest.........but worrying wont change a thing, so on this beautiful day I am just going to enjoy my thoughts. He just text to say ' last night was lush'........ lush, thats a good one.

Off now to bootcamp, oops almost given the game away and you may find out who I am......

OUT ON THE TILES

2010-04-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Ready, hair blow dried,( maybe its a bit of a grown up blowout for rockstar) please god I hope I havent aged myself by doing this, I love the big hair look

Had a session with my life coach today, I just needed reasurance that I am in fact not a sad old lady, those were the words of HOTTIE the original, well not him but his girlfriend, those words will haunt me forever.. Note to self, must learn to love older men..... but I am so so excited about this evening

THE HOFF HAS THE BABY

2010-04-15T00:49:00.000-07:00

6am this morning, mini Hoff is born,in fact a little girl so finally my day of dread arrives.... I feel strange but really ok, not going to cry, in fact when I spoke with the Hoff, he was so happy it made me feel happy too.

Finally I have accepted it, after all its only a baby!

What is really on my mind today is Rockstar, but I am having to have a word with myself, this has all got to stop, there is no future with young boys, not if you are 16 or so their senior.

I have one mission now, to capture and marry my old boyfriend.

I got a phone call the other night from him to come over for a drink. We went out together when we were very young, both working on market stall, we both went on to marry other people and lost touch with each other until our mid thirties , we bumped into each other in Langans brasserie, we quickly embarked on a wild passionate affair ( we were both married), this involved meetings in Paris and London, we had a ball. Sharpy left his wife , I couldnt do the same.. He quickly moved on and in with a girl much older than himself, but connected like you cannot imagine, Sharpy being Jewish , this was right up his strazza... I embarked on an affair with the out of work super model.

2 years ago, in Capri I saw Sharpy again, this time with a very rich gang, and a rather large boat, no a huge boat.. He was by now seriously rich....... I was with someone seriously skint.

So monday off I pop to St John's wood most expensive street, he has the biggest fuck off house I have ever seen... of course he didnt open the door to me , his maid in uniform did.. He showed me around, which took forever as the house was massive, he had spent a million pounds on accoustics, so he said. His indoor black marble pool was bigger than my whole house, I was truly blown away and could have kicked myself really hard for not marrying him.

We are going on a date in 2 weeks, because he is SINGLE... but can have anyone, apparently I was the only girl he could have ever settled down with.... Bugger , where can I get a crash course in converting to become Jewish???? I can make a mean chicken soup, so I have a head start.

Plus I like him, and I fancy him, and he is a little older than me, and and and.. I want him.

May have fucked myself though, I recommended him to a restaurant in Milan for tuesday and he said it was shite.....and he is a snob.

Can I get him? how do I go about it, I need to make a plan

COUGAR TOWN

2010-04-14T12:12:00.000-07:00

Oh perlease, yes I am a cougar........my weekend , what can I say, well let me tell you shall I

right well I have left you in the dark for a while, moving , climbing snowdon and all that, yes I did I really really did climb that fucker, 7 days, 7 nights hike, whinge, beg for wine, but with my very own royal marine, boy did I have fun...

you know about the osteopath dont you? ooh the Essex night out.. yes I told ya.. so I have been seeing him a bit, the one that doesnt cuddle , really wants to please, but can I orgasm? nope I cant, have resorted to fakesville, I know I know stupid but he is so nice and honestly I really enjoy sex with him, but always feel I am taking too long( girls you must know that feeling)

so friday night back from snowdon, glowing due to wind burn, I have a sleepover with osteopath, NICE and all that..

saturday I have to interview a new Marine, we have just hooked up with a BIG BRAND BRA company and need a top trainer, so he says he is coming to london to meet his mate, who is doing a gig in Brick Lane, he rocks up at mine around 4pm, comes into my new pad, ( my son is doing the dying hungover swan on the sofa) but HOTTIE MARK 2 arrives with his bandie mate, my investor is here, we all watch the grand national and its a laugh.. Off we trot at 4.30pm to the pub next door,I leave Mark the investor to interview him while I chat to ROCKSTAR, fuck me and is he gorgeous and funny and lovely etc...... dont take much notice of HOTTIE MARK 2 except he is hot....

They invite me to the gig, me , are they having a laugh, I am off to china tang at the Dorchester with a friend, a client in fact, but need to be there for 7pm, but really dont want to drag myself away from rockstar and hottie mark 2, so seeing as i live next door to the pub, I do a clark kent and vanish for 10 mins, hair, make up, laboutins, black pencil skirt, black silk tight shirt, black eyeliner , and loads of lipgloss applied to my newly pumped up luscious lips, hmmm me thinks I look hot.. so do they, oops almost forgot they thought my son was my lodger, I had to fess up and tell them he was in fact my son whom I gave birth to at 12., they seemed to buy that.

one more drink, call a cab and I am off, vroom

text came through from hottie mark 2, " please make sure you turn up tonight' predictable I thought, am I getting big headed? maybe....

several hundred drinks later and end up in LITTLE ITALY dancing the night away, Hottie mark 2 arrives, we leave ........ we go to mine, we get naked, we have fucking amazing sex....... twice and again in the morning, oh help me I am a nymph......

But wait, its rockstar that I fancied......

so we email and we text and we chat, and mark 2 tells me we must keep this a secret , he wont even tell rockstar, thats a right result seeing as he has told me rockstar fancied me and he feels bad, oh and also that he is a good friend of HOTTIE the original, who incidently has not stopped texting me.....

I have a date with rockstar friday night........ I cant wait

life is good or am I really bad

MY MOST MENTAL DAY YESTERDAY, NOT SLEPT A WINK

2010-03-16T00:55:00.000-07:00

Had some weird work enquiry, Indian guy wants to fly his chairmans 16 year old to do a fitness week, with a guardian....... he wanted to come to the venue, anyway we ended up telling him to come to the office, which is in fact my home, and I am moving today, this was yesterday, imagine the mess!!!!!!!

my hairdresser turned up late to colour my hair , so when he or rather they knocked on the door , there was I looking like a nutter with hair dye still on....

The very very strange thing was the Indian guy had another guy with him, who looked very much like a customs and excise man.......how do I know these things? my ex left the country down to these people......so I had a belly full of it back in the day.....

As they sat down , I offered tea, customs man offered a business card, but as he slowly took his wallet out of his pocket, I almost fainted ........I could've sworn he was going to say

'aveline , you are busted' , I very nearly gave myself up there and then..... I ran downstairs, and promptly threw up, tried waking Saffy, hysterically, I got it together and came upstairs, talking utter shite....... thank god D turned up , I got her on my doorstep, telling her quickly of my fears, told them some cock and bull story and ran out of the house, hair dye still on .......I sat on the steps of the council flats down my road and rang the HOFF, he said I was being paranoid, paranoid, you aint kidding......... if they were onto me for whatever reason, they would have said there and then........ would they???????

D called me, they had gone, I was like, they are frauds, ( made myself laugh there, they were the frauds..... what did that make me then) I was crying, shaking, throwing myself on the coach...... god I am going to Holloway, I know it........ I made her google the company, then I made everyone google their company, to calm me down, D drove me to their offices, where we made up some excuse that we had photos to give them.....sure enough the Indian guy was there, but still I was paranoid, his office was in Belgravia though........

I came home to find that all of my rubbish had been gone through........WHAAAAAAAT is going on..................

Then the good news department shut down last night, I had exchanged on basically a crack den, finally after trying to sell it for 3 years, any way seems like I DONT OWN THE GARDEN, so have sold a garden flat , but dont in fact own it.......can things get any worse......

...

The fucking goddamn baby from next door cried from 3-5am, I honestly dont know how I didnt knock on my neighbours door and go and get it... I AM TIRED, I AM WORRIED , I AM IN A PARANOID STATE

I DONT EVEN CARE ABOUT MEN........

WHAT A WEEKEND

2010-03-14T04:43:00.000-07:00

Did I tell you sugar daddy has been in touch? had a few texts, then he has gone all quiet, really fucking annoying cos if he is still with Vicky Pollard I have no chance.......

Anyway moving swiftly on....... D was in the country , her work was done so she called me up, I jumped on the train without a seconds though, get me outa london......

Hottie, called up, it was his birthday the PRICK, well his mate a royal marine was still at our place of work in the country, ' why is marine boy still in the country? why are you going down there? ' , well actually Hottie, what the hell does it have to do with you? have a nice birthday and CIAO...

Marine boy , had another Marine boy with him, this did look a bit dodge, as we were now a foursome going out to the pub......off we went, met up with the cool crowd in Norfolk, yes there is one!!!!!! had a great time, felt kind of really safe with Marine boy, he doesnt really drink and they have a much better attitude than the Navy guys, who we are told are just a load of faggots..... D and I have decided to switch immediately to Marines, and cant wait to do a block interview, of course they have to get down to their underpants........he he ......

I didnt get drunk, you would have been impressed, we came back to our country house, lit the fire, put the music on, and Marine boy appeared with MORE wine, he definately did it on purpose to get me drunk...... he didnt really succeed. But I was tipsy, D couldnt decide whether she fancied the pub owner,( or fancied his pub more like) or the other Marine..

so now its about 2am, out comes the spray tan machine, yep, all down to our knickers or paper thongs... and yes topless, dont want tan lines ..random but sooo much fun.......we all got

brown......we then carried on drinking and sitting around in knickers and t shirts, up until 5am.

I told D, ' DO NOT LET ME GET OFF WITH THE MARINE'

Off we all went to bed finally, the marine came up with me, pushed me in one of the bedrooms and tried to do unspeakable things to me...... I sort of declined to some of it, the D came and dragged me out of the room...

I woke up to breakfast in bed , yes the marine can cook too, but no I have had enough of the forces guys, ,I need a real boyfriend

I HATE MYSELF

2010-03-11T06:59:00.000-08:00

I went for a lovely, glamourous lunch yesterday, I looked really fab even though I do say so myself

lunch, 2 bottles of wine shared, 2 glasses of champagne each, I zambucca

No I wouldnt go home, I should have but I dragged by lunch date to a dive where low life so called friends of mine hang out......

my phone was on silent , I missed so many calls from my beautiful daughter........ eventually when she reached me, I was smashed and said I would be home in 20 mins , I arrived home at 1am

This morning I was disgusted with myself, didnt really sleep, felt horrendous...... but had to get to the ALCOHOL AWARENESS COURSE ,re my drink driving

18 of us, and what a fantastic bunch of people from all walks of life, we shared our secrets, I sat there with the shakes, crying...... somebody please feel sorry for me! or help me! cos I cant help myself! so they all came up with a plan for me..... a realistic plan , for a whole week until we meet again next week, I am allowed 4 large glasses of wine......THATS IT, and 4 others are doing this with me, for moral support... These are people I dont know, who seem to care for me, they saw my pain and they care... I am sitting here writing this , crying..... what the fuck have I done with my life|? when did it all go so wrong?

GUEST BLOG BY TRACEY EMIN AKA 4X2 WILL FIX ME

2010-03-10T03:43:00.000-08:00

TAKE IT AWAY TRACE

power talking....a lot of....phew this is so exhausting and its not even noon yet....well what do you expect its been over 24 hours since we last walked and talked and fukkkkk...so much has happened since our suicidal stroll along beachy head avenue on monday....actually it was belsize park but it had just as well have been the beckoning cliffs of beachy for all the negative shite we had to talk about....money worries,lack of romance,wrinkles and feeling like a couple of ancient fatties!

so 24 hours on and were good, im feeling loved adored and so fucking close to being rich...which will pay for the botox which solves the wrinkles and hides my lack of youth....SORTED...well sapart from the possible terminal illness but will has measured some wood and i shall be cured by some 4x2 so yeah....all in all im top banana...

Now aveline is another story...shes very upbeat and positive going for 6.30 am runs each morning...no she doesnt take the glass of red with her...shes a strong powerful woman... and thank fuck she is, with what hottys been getting up to.

But much as me and aveline love a bitch and a gossip this is some heavy shit and i think im gonna leave this explosion to be revealed by the lady herself ...over to you ave ....

well thanks Trace....... ps I just wanted to say as much as Trace and myself are a little skint right now, and I am in the middle of getting ready for a HOT LUNCH.... lack of expensive face creams, but I have ANUSOL under my eyes ( fucking amazing for bags) and BEPATHANE, which is NAPPY RASH CREAM as a moisturiser, all for £8.00.............. fuck me I should write for VOGUE, which is another story that I shall tell tomorrow, it shall be called A BLOGGERS GUIDE TO BLAGGING.....

MY TODAY'S DRAMARAMA

Hottie, the cheating ass hole, has appeared in some magazines, splashed all over them, yup, his ex bitch sold a lovely story, making me want to puke, about him shagging some z lister....... am I bovvered though! does my face look bovvered? well not right now cos its slathered with pile and nappy rash cream......but yeah I am kinda bothered....... is it true? how the hell would I know.......... but one is not amused.

THE WORLD IS FULL OF CHEATING MEN

SO DESPERATE TO LOSE WEIGHT I HAVE NOW ORGANISED A ROYAL MARINE TO KIDNAP ME

2010-03-08T03:47:00.000-08:00

Arrived back from Paris fashion week, felt so uncomfortable in my usual trendy haunts, Cruella and myself felt like the fat girls, honestly its so depressing

Saturday night, we ate 100 spring roll, 2 plates of chips and 6 bottles of wine, the waiter was in shock ; 'another bottle of wine!' ' yes , we are english' ........ Cru had to literally carry me to our room and we had a early start.. I was actually sick in the morning, THANK GOD.........

This has got to stop Cru says to me, she had ran like Forest Gump the week before and managed to put on a pound!!!!! I havent ran since I was with Hottie............

WE NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND FAST.............So here is what we have planned

MAY 2nd, we are being kidnapped by 2 Royal Marines....... we are being taken to somewhere in Wales, most likely the Brecon Beacons........ we will stay there among the sheep, not a STARBUCKS OR NICOLAS WINE SHOP in sight...... our marines will also be our chefs......

18 days and 18 nights, hardcore and more.......But I have said to Cruella we must not indulge in extra activity after dark, therefore we really want Marines that we dont fancy and that we cant manipulate........ will we make it? dunno! are we mad? yes of course! do we need it ? hell yeah!

IF ALL ELSE FAILS BUILD A 4X2 ROUND IT

2010-03-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

I just had to say this

Trace, the artist is going for ovarian scan tomorrow, her mum and nan died really young from ovarian cancer.......she is at that age .......and every day looking on the net, thinking she has this terrible illness

she lives with a carpenter, who is kind but thinks everything can be sorted in some way, she is also very flippant about all this and she is also hysterically funny ,,,,,,, her latest comment to me when we took the gerbil and suze out yesterday was

' well I said to Will, dont worry if all else fails you can always build a 4 x 2 round it , and I will be fine!'

I love this girl, I REALLY HOPE SHE DONT NEED THE 4X2

ALCOHOL AWARENESS COURSE HAMPSTEAD LONDON

2010-03-04T12:04:00.001-08:00

I will NEVER drink and drive again, this is not a flippant comment........ I cannot visit Canada for 5 years( sad as the guy from hotel italy lives there, the one who has tracked me down) I need a visa for USA..... So much I never ever knew. But what a laugh did I have today, 18 of us in a classroom, me the only girl, ( high five) guys ranging from polititians to drug dealers....... and a couple of funny bastards, one I cant sit next to or even look at for fear of doing the giggle , shoulder shake....... you must remember that from school? you do right?

Apart from the laughter , we all told our stories, you remember mine, out with the HOFF, Claridges and all that, well some of them were hilarious , some of them just sad and one of them, the guy was a carer to a disabled guy, a seriously disabled guy,he went to collect him from the pub, had a drink with him, so drove him home over the limit, ( incidently this carer lived with the disabled guy) put him to bed, drank all his vodka, had a row on the phone with his girlfriend who lived 50 miles away, left the guy, who cant even go to the loo without him, drove the guys car which was better than his own .......all the way to his gf house, meanwhile got caught drink driving , leaving the disabled guy home alone, not just for a few hours, but the whole weekend cos he was SO over the limit.......... how terribly shocking and outrageous?????? but this guy is also incredibly funny, he doesnt realise how funny as he is incredibly THICK..... So I am learning a lot..

How good am I ? just left caner crescent , the neighbours out having drinks and ordering deserts, I am home!!!

But had a good night last night with the new Hottie........ although lets have a takeaway and get naked really appealed to me rather than lets go out! He didnt collect me from Cruella 's ( aka Blowella Whoreberry) house until 8.45pm, almost my bedtime and certainly past my dinner time........off we drove in his super duper sports car......... Home, Shag immediately, sofa, orgasm, YESSSSSSSSSSS! I nailed it.......funny that cos original Hottie I struggled with in that dept....... but 10pm, I am starving, FEED ME! mini pizza microwave, burnt my fucking mouth out, random chat, me wrapped in his towel, so as not to reveal cellulite......he has told me how every boy/ man in Essex fancies me, wanks over me( ooh so rude, how very dare they) and I am a SORT...........Cant let my image fade and him think I am fucked now can I ?

so keep the towel on for good measure.......you know lighting and all that shit... back to bed......not sure I really wanna go round 2, but I do, and guess what its suprisingly fucking amazing, I am liking it and him and again I deliver.......yeh..... he is happy, I am delirious.

I look at the clock 12.45 oh shit, I need lights out, tv off , gotta get some sleep

HE DOESNT CUDDLE ME!

POWER WALKING WITH TRACEY EMIN

2010-03-03T02:11:00.000-08:00

Power walking with my new bessie mate, tracey... , she has a little pug called suze who is in love with the gerbil

we walk and talk and they hump, gerbil hangs onto her doggy style for the whole walk, sometimes 2 hours....... he is a patient man

caused mayhem yesterday walking through camden, talking about myself, for a change!!! walked straight into a film set, in the middle of it, dogs a humping...... when a giant great dane appeared, the gerbil leapt up like a preying mantis and attacked the poor thing mid film set...... we collapsed in heaps of laughter ( I am 3 days no drink, so laughter came easily yesterday) while the crew had to stop filming........

Off we go today, before my meeting at lawyers with out of work super model, who I think has most likely been reading these blogs, OH SHIT............ he has been intercepting my mail, and hacking into my emails, master of the universe says I should go to the police,

things have got very ugly between us, he wants money from me, I am struggling to survive myself and legally owe him fuck all........ arse hole....... he has a new name, you will never figure it out, S U V boy.....

Off to see the new Hottie later, really looking forward to it, no time for a brazilian so had to shave today, oh the shame of it......scummy I know.....but it had to be done... I did speak to the original Hottie yesterday, my belly did a flip at his common northern accent, he has been in a few papers lately, bit of z list celebrity stuff , cant tell you though....... god I miss his tatooed arms and lovely rugby body, but I just have to wean myself off him..

oops gotta go, dramarama

oops still up ....just me though aveline

2010-02-27T18:53:00.000-08:00

hmmmmm

master of universe left,had a try of kiss and cuddle. not so bad as it happens , for enough cash I can do this......... so off he went, so not top of the leader board for drinking ,.,,,,,,,psst just had to put OH WHAT A NIGHT ON , or I cant blog ........... oh what a night, you know I didnt even know his name! but I got a funny feeling when he walked into the room..... OH I ! i felt the rush! spinning the world under! oh what a night, oh I ,,, got a funny feeling when she walked into the room, what a lady what a night, what a lady darlings, oh what a night , oh what a night.... yup

get my night, master of universe left, t and cs coming over asap , thats terms and conditions, so 2 nights at his ,money in my bank,, ,DO I?

NEW HOTTIE , AKA OSTEOPATH, wow I cant wait to see him again , saffy aint impressed cos he is only 32, god saf, its a step up from 28 aint it? my mission to LARS ....... kate?????/?/ to have an orgasm asap, but sexy beast that I AM, and I AM, I just cant get there.......WHY somebody help me?

really shit isnt it? i am the best actress , but that is shit, cos i want somebodys arms around me and I want to be real, Hottie with the big rugby tattooed arms , my god, how will I ever get over hin>? but the osteopath is HOT and lovely and I like him, he will help for sure

ooh I have missed out sooooo much tonight, 300million man irish man asked me out the other night, I like him, big, tall, bald , irish but cute and nice and mad me cry, maybe he is the one for me,,,,,,,,, master of the universe left and 300 million man arrived......... I had kind of kissed master then then txt osteopath I LOVE HIM then kissed and loved 300 million man, I AM FUCKED IN THE HEAD ? poor me,,,,,,,,, was soooooooo happy today

alone and 3am in the morning, do I have to contend with the fuckng ghost? I dont give a shit cos i aint got no wine left ,so go fuck yourself

and NEWS OF THE WORLD TOMOORROW, are we looking forward to that?

TOTALLY SMITTEN

2010-02-27T14:44:00.000-08:00

Oh yes I am ...... oh my god

went out to ESSEX last night, feeling suicidal and I mean it, but got to the pizza place, ps while I am blogging am listening to STEVIE WONDER ISNT SHE LOVELY, get my mood? you know it, I am HAPPY......

How fucking amazing, pizza place, heaving with mates, Essex restyling, all glammed up cos thats how we do it there, not like this primmy hill bollox , casual, I wanna say cas but you wont get it....! so many guys in there too.... just goes to show , you dont need to be in a bar to pull!! really girls, it can be in a pizza joint

oh well let me tell ya, some gorgeous guy keeps smiling at me, who is he? well he is the osteopath I had a date with 3 years ago, he is sooooooooooo HOT... How the fuck have I forgotten him?

we flirt, he kisses everyone goodbye, then its my turn, I purposely kiss him on the lips, thats it he is a gonner! I just know he will come find me later, and he does, he and most of the gang go off to the NU BAR, I of course go to the ROYAL OAK, old fashioned dancey old motown music, my style, and happy music, I know every one in there, then in he walks, my god he is gorgeous

we leave in a cab back to his , within seconds of walking through the door we are naked, no scrub that I am naked..... fuck it I am a grown up and I want to have sex with him, but me all over I am ever the actress........ nope I struggle to orgasm, why? you tell me? please help me, I like him ,he is hot and eager to please, really but I am just useless and he is worrying, why cant he make me come? is this too much information? I want to , but just cant....... bollox....... but I stay over and am happy to .. wake up at 4am, what the hell is going on, the bed is shaking, oh lordy me, he is wanking , but he says he has to make the most of it, cos I am the girl of his dreams, he has wanked over me for 12 years, yeh....... I am the miss. ................ zie.. the girl every guy in essex has always dreamt of sleeping with....... really me? yes? moi? I am a HOTTIE, I AM ...... I REALLY AM, why dont I think it though?????

ps master of the universe just left, had a little kiss and cuddle, a little kiss and cuddle , can you just take that on board....he really is the coolest lawyer and funny with it, we are off to ANTIGUA? Why you ask, ? why I respond? cos I am a first class prat and I dont know

the new Hottie is 32, saffie aint impressed but its better than 28? isnt it darling? but master of the universe, soon to go head to head with out of work super model is 102 years old, my money is on the master....... and I dont have to put my money on anyone.... master wants to be my man, hmmmmmmmm money versus sexual chemistry, well every other bitch does it, why cant I ? why cant I ? I just fucking cant , I am doomed to a life of meeting and fancying younger men, SAD OLD COW...........

How can I sit at this computer now listening to SONGBIRD love that....on my own, and smiling

so I just learnt how to work bbm, am bbm ing like a loon, to osteopath, I need to get some practice in with him , practice makes perfect

fuck fuck fuck, I am SMITTEN

GOING OUT IN ESSEX

2010-02-26T07:25:00.000-08:00

Hangover, Saffy was not impressed with me last night, possibly the drunkest I have ever been, feel like the worst mum in the world today, didnt even get in late, 9pm to be exact but cant remember much.... shamefull or I am shameless..

Have the horrors today, feeling like a failure, dont know what to do with my life, I know its the day after but I am feeling more than a bit tearful.

I have indeed got MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE oh liver spotted one coming to dinner here saturday night, reason? out of work supermodel is threatening to sell all my antiques that are stored at his parents, change locks on all my flats where I have tenants , he wants my money.. I want my money..but I know one hell of an explosive secret about supermodel, one that would make front page for weeks in every tabloid newspaper...... something so shocking !!!!

Had 2nd interview today re chiswick celeb pa, didnt bother going, wish I had though cos when I went to the bank it was there in black and white that I bloody needed to go to work..

Just blagged a freebie in Paris though, but Eurostar wont go for it as well, I am but you didnt know this, blagger extraordinaire...... I go all over the world blagging free hotel rooms and major sucking up , marrakech, dubai, paris, barcelona, jamaica.......... its such a buzz.. last month I took saffy to dubai for a whole week, our suite was bigger than most peoples houses... free meals and champagne, plenty of 'yes madam' 'three bags full madam;...... it was so full on that saffy wanted to video it on her i phone......

so much to do today, I have defriended Hottie and whoever commented on his no show at christmas , your advice has only just been taken, I should have dumped him ages ago, I was indeed only in love with his six pack.....what was I thinking, honestly . But I really miss the sex, I want sex , but not just with anyone, someone who has a lovely body, that lovely smell, that sex when it feels right, alright alright I know the knicker thing was a bit mad, but even that I found kind of sexy, just everything about him I fucking adored and I really dont want to do this but I have to get him out of my life and most importantly out of my head..... would it be bad if he were my booty call, or would I be his booty call? I think I could do it, I think I would even pay him...... not much though........

off to the park with the gerbil , the park where Davina McCall met her vet husband, well I have been walking over that fucking park for a year now and I have not even seen a single man, not one.......

WISH ME LUCK

BOUNDARY BOUND

2010-02-25T03:27:00.000-08:00

Boundary bound for lunch, hot date

feeling good today, priest came round last night.......exorcised the flat, after he had drank 1 bottle of wine! and did I tell you he was CUTE? well cute and Irish, what a lovely combination

do I dare to seduce the priest? do I? nah .. that would be wrong

although I did give him and hug and a kiss when he left, he kind of lingered a bit and I was tempted to snog him, really I was but good catholic girl that I am I respected the cloth......

so now we are ghostless, our next step is to christen dear Saffy ( evie) ... so Delila is already organising the party, which is frightening as the ex hubby the HOFF will be coming with the Serb... and they dont party, well not like rockstars anyway..

Am getting plenty of shit from the out of work supermodel, taking me to court, wants me to pay him off, as if he were the wife and I were the husband, so looks like the old bastard master of the universe lawyer , liver spotted old fucker will get a call later......I think a blow job will be in order

I am looking quite ropey today, make up gone wrong, I cut a fringe and its shocking, nothing to wear , never have ........

wish me a sober lunch

LONDON FASHION WEEK HELL

2010-02-24T03:08:00.000-08:00

Blimey, that is seriously IT for me and Delila

you know Hottie did a NO SHOW....... D and I had a rather unintentional late night / early morning with the neighbours on CANER CRESCENT, they are most mental, but they now think we are really mental, so do I infact.....

2 hours sleep , D calls me to get up, our driver will be here in 20 mins, please NO I SCREAM.....thank heaven for dark glasses....... I get ready feeling weird, jump in the car, ' they do have a champagne reception dont they?' I ask

'no, D replies, but lets get a bottle on the way!' what are we thinking?

show was delayed, I was in a terrible state, must have looked god awful, show finishes, as great as it was and it was tremendous, our good friends first go it alone show, we leave thankfully , off to Soho House, where the waitress couldnt get the drink to us quick enough

we were 'calling Frank ' by 3pm, at that point I decided to leave and go home, but somehow ended up at a Karaoke............ can I leave the rest to your imagination

MONDAY MORNING

AA ' my name is Aveline and I have a problem', my mother thinks I should be at Relationships anonymous, or something like that, is it Sexaholics anonymous? who knows

but I am in the right place and I feel comforted and determined to sort my life out........

I leave and get in a cab, which really I shouldnt , but off I trot to this interview, oh did I tell you I am a 'celebrity pa ' now? NO? well yep I am up for a job

goes well, guy is lovely, but CHISWICK, its far, around 18 stops on the train, and he wants me to start at 8.30am , its early

I do really well as I am not only a BLOGGER, I am a BLAGGER, he is taken in by me, he does a little quiz on the cv , that I actually have taken a little look at( my friend did it for me)

I get a little nervous when he mentions spread sheets and other stuff like that, I have seen them, lots of little squares, but what you meant to do with them?

I dont know , I need the money, but I dont think I like this job, I want to be in an office in the city or somewhere glam... where I can meet someone, MALE and do after work drinks " water"

work and fun......

But he is charming, married , but cute......

WHY IS THE WORLD FULL OF MARRIED MEN??????

Hottie did a NO SHOW

2010-02-20T08:57:00.000-08:00

What a fucking wanker............

I almost had an early night in anticipation for today......but Delila arrived and that just meant carnage.....8 bottles of wine carnage, my posh other bessie mate was here too, and I have to say I had a great night, a late night , but great. Just being with my girlies in tracksuits, we had out our make up , it was like we were 15 again, how nice would that be? how differently we would do things.. The funniest part of the night was when we discussed how many men we had slept with, well I said 10 ... not counting the ones I got paid for , they dont count! do they? Michelle my famous friend who turned up after dinner say around 150 plus, I just died laughing, poshy wouldnt declare and Delila was around the 100 mark...... and I am not telling. In fact this was the funniest part of the night, someone mentioned illegal substances, I remembered throwing some in the bin, as someone left it here the other night, well Michelle went outside looking through the bin bag, she got so mad looking for it, she just tipped the whole contents of my rubbish on the pavement, luckily this was about midnight, she found it...... ran in with it, but it was covered in shampoo.. I did laugh, and that was it we were off and running, talking shit for some hours to come

Delila left, no prizes for guessing where she went, I have a hot actor lives next door, he is her booty call..... she apparently is a red hot shag, so she tells me.. and herself. He is only 20, she is 42.... she is teaching him a thing or two

I got up early, I changed the bed, dyed my hair, shaved my bits and pieces, fake tanned last night, put on a pair of white primark panties, got a few more pairs ready for Hottie...... I was hot to trot

took the gerbil out for a couple of hours, and it started to dawn on me that Hottie hadnt text, I would say he didnt call, but he cant call out due to his rather large bill when he was in Greece and calling me......

Well it dont take a genius to realise the baaaaastard aint coming..... under house arrest I suppose, the Tranny bird of his was having none of it, oh but he is SORRY......

It had taken me days to ask the kids to let me have the flat to myself, and boy have I got it to myself, I could hear a fucking pin drop its so quiet.......

I am dumping him today, I want to do radio silence but am crap at that.. who can I call? shall I stay in? go out ? oh help.. I dont want to go out, I dont actually want to be alone anymore, I hate taking gerbil round the park on my own EVERY DAMN DAY..... its doing my head in

How about on line dating? or even agency dating? I have been giving serious thought to opening my own one up, get first dibbs on the good ones

so its saturday night, and I am Hotless... I have front row tickets for tomorrows fashion show ..

is it too early to open a bottle of wine?

sex tomorrow

2010-02-19T05:59:00.000-08:00

Made up with the knicker wearing , lover boy, phew! he is coming tomorrow , cant wait

was meant to be on my way to a interview....... chiswick, way too far, checked on the tube planner thing, having a laugh, 3 changes,.... I posted a ad on gumtree ' CELEBRITY PA LOOKING FOR PART TIME WORK', had a reply , actually got into negotiations re salary before even being offered the job.. was quite proud of oneself, as my CV was all singing all dancing, the employer in question called me up and asked me why I actually wanted to work for him? er for the money twat.. I was thinking of £200 per day, he got me down to £100, it was when he said he wanted a slick pa, he was a stickler for time keeping, ouch ,, got the wrong girl, 0830 start in the morning, was he mental? He sort of asked my age, I settled on 39 , grown up kids, empty nest, he seemed to like this, it meant I was too old to go out clubbing and partying, I would most likely be staying in a lot, bored, doing his work long into the night, cos I didnt have a life!!!!

how wrong can someone be, I couldve single handedly ruined his life, business and marriage all in erm lets think .... 2 months, he doesnt know how lucky he is that I havent turned up...

the funny part was when he said most of his meetings were done in SOHO HOUSE and THE IVY , I was about to say , ' how funny so are mine' but mine usually start at 1pm and carry on until the following morning, I like to have meetings that last a good 12 hours, include approx 6 bottles of wine....

will I ever be a PA? my bestest oldest friend is coming to dinner tonight, she really is PA to the stars, she is going to tell me off for not going on the interview......... sorry darling, couldnt face it, have a hangover and the thought of leaving the house at 7am just doesnt appeal to me

feeling distracted, keep looking at photos of hottie, he is so hot..... there goes the phone, its the one and only, master of the universe......... lawyer extraordinaire, yes you guessed it, Mr T...H

Aha try to figure that one out, he wants me to be with him, wants to rekindle our romance, what fucking romance, the only romantic thing about him is his art. horses. money. power, it aint his ravishing good looks........

PS I AM JEALOUS JEALOUS JEALOUS

2010-02-15T03:39:00.000-08:00

One question? please ! will prozac cure my jealousy? I cant stop thinking about my ex and the serb, the kids are going there for dinner later, dinner at the castle...... Damien is moving in with them, as much as I am ok with Damien moving out, he is 20 for gods sake, its just I think he will like it better with them, they are more sane, safe, reliable...... I am useless, a drunk, a desperate botoxed sad cow, I hate myself.....

Evie is staying with me, is it out of pity? I dont want pity, I want success, I want MY OLD LIFE BACK

I want a husband, a career, a big house,

I want to be slim,

I am swimming an uphill stream, will I make it?

YOU BETCHA I WILL

I want SUGAR

2010-02-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

I made roast dinner, no wine

I walked past the offy, craned my neck to wave Hi to the guy who works there, he was drinking a glass of red, I really wanted him to invite me in, thank god he didnt, so its been Ribena for me

Hottie is in Scotland, asked me what I been doing today, am I out with some posh prick for dinner in London? No the only londoner who is driving me mad right now is the local drug dealer, whose name I shall not mention....... but I told Hottie, there are no knicker wearing freaks in Primrose Hill, so I shall just stay in and watch COCO CHANEL alone!

I am taking it that the Chef knows he is not for me, I could have said ' chuck yourself in the bin on the way out' but I am not a nasty girl, so I politely bade him farewell, with a small peck on the cheek, that usually does it every time.

oops I almost forgot, Brother David came over to bless us all, god bless him, how fucking cute was he, I just love that Irish accent, he was sooooo cute........so blessed are we and our house..... we shall refrain from ouija board games and stick to scrabble, we shalt not consult the tarot cards and stick to poker, and we shalt not go seeking clairvoyants, just call up your mum, she always knows best, and if in doubt and feeling really troubled, dare I say it, a nice bottle of CHIANTI....... or PROZAC, but never never cocaine......thou shall feel much much worse the next day if thou doth indulge in CLASS A.....

DAY 2 OF SOBRIETY..... SUNDAY VALENTINES DAY!

2010-02-14T01:28:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah feeling great, top of the morning to ya...... look fucked, but determined not to drink today, maybe I shouldnt cook sunday lunch for a couple of reasons

1. roast beef without a bottle of red, dont think so

2. hottie away with work, most likely with his ex

3. kids with bf or gf

4. on my own

just been to the park with the gerbil, did have a giggle, a whole load of really lovely fatties, running up primrose hill, which happens to look easy, but in fact is a bastard

last summer we had a whole group of us, me looking super glam of course, struggling my fat asse off trying to get up it, the unfortunate thing was it was 12 noon, a boiling hot day, the whole of north london were out having picnics, we ran the gauntlet up the hill with the holiday makers either side of the bastard hilly path, to say I was finding the run impossible was a serious understatement, my trainer was pushing me up it, still I struggled, eventually when I got to the top huffing and puffing feeling like I was about to have a heart attack, THE WHOLE PARK cheered and clapped me, do you have any idea what that felt like? reminicent of coming last in the long distance at school sports day........... I have never done it again

any ways on to today, valentines did someone say? I have my I LOVE YOU balloon tied to my desk, I am kind of thinking I am like on of the front page of NEWS OF THE WORLD girlies, but lets call me a cupid stunt...... Hottie sure is playing with me now, flowers , balloons , promises of being together forever

what planet am I on.......do I really see myself up there, in student land, hanging out in WALKABOUT,? hang on a minute, I was Essex's answer to Angelina Jolie, I hang out in Tramp and Annabels darhling........ all jimmy choos and gucci...... I dont spend thousands on plastic surgery to hang out in walkabout, or has my self esteem got so low thats all I think I am worthy of? shall I just go and get some Prozac for fucks sake?

can I change my blog to a discussion board? would welcome all advice, got nothing to lose.

I wonder what the ex is doing today in his castle? I bet they had a romantic breakfast of organic porridge, decaf coffee without milk, the Serb probably watched him doing 95k on his running machine in his state of the art gym, they most likely will have lunch in Claridges today, he has more than likely bought her a great big huge rare diamond........yuk yuk yuk I am turning GREEN

Made my bed, must lie in it

had a call today from a friend, hooker friend , do I want a simple job tomorrow? £800 easy guy ( this is hooker terms) , in and out , excuse the pun , 20 mins

do I do it? I am giving it serious thought, £800 cash not bad money for 20 minutes work, work did I say?

Do I ?

beachy head calling

2010-02-13T07:34:00.000-08:00

Drunk again.....yet again and again and again

feel hideous this morning and embarrassed and not worthy

chef came over apparently he was cooking, but somehow I managed to fuck his evening up by starting dinner myself and opening the door to him paraletic

my new name is Sue Ellen, not a JR in site though

so the evening went on, Ellie desperately tried to talk to me about the vicar coming round earlier, but I was so gone that I didnt even realise she was talking to me

William came home with Jack about 1am, we all sat up until 4am.........WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF

I struggled to look like a decent mother at 9am this morning, had very little sleep , feeling suicidal

Then by a miracle, INTERFLORA knocked on my door.........Hottie had sent a dozen red roses and a I LOVE YOU balloon........ I managed a weak smile and cried, not sure what I am crying for, my lost life I think.......crying because I feel so sorry for myself

I have promised I will not drink for 28 days, I really mean it

The ex has moved into a castle!!!! the most beautiful castle not far from here, all bling chandaliers and Italian wallpapers, stunning, the kids have their own apartments within his castle........The serbian bitch is walking around like some fucking pregnant queen, to say I am jealous is a serious understatement

I had it all and threw it all away for an out of work model, coke head, cheating skint twat...... is it any wonder I feel like shit? am I about to do that all over again with Hottie, ? I stayed over at his in his new house sharing student like accomodation the other night, we lay in bed drinking cheap wine, while he wore my knickers......... I know what you are thinking, 'oh wow how romantic', but he just does it for me.......when he smiles at me I just bloody melt and offer him a unlimited account at Agent Provocateur

He still doesnt know I am the same age as his mother.........which isnt even funny... my daughter thinks I am just stupid and as she puts it , I am not in love with him, I am in love with his six pack! I could think of worse things... but again I am selling myself short...

I flick back and forth on my emails, 6 screens open at present....... I just notice an email from

The Hotel Splendido, Portofino...... what can they want? I certainly wont be going there this year, Sugar Daddy dumped me way back

I remember fondly singing HEY JUDE in the bar and dancing around like PANS PEOPLE... I certainly had a fan club the next day by the pool , although god knows what they would have thought had they seen me the following day, I looked like I had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson, the Sugar Daddy likes to get out of his nut and just slap me around........ somehow the fact that he spent untold thousands on me I felt like I should indulge him on his special little nights..... selling myself short again?

But the weirdest thing is the Hotel have had a request from one of the guests whom I had met during my stay there, there were a few emails going back and forth and finally they agreed to send his email to me...

I just replied a few minutes ago, he was indeed one of my HEY JUDE fans!!!! lives in Montreal, has been trying since last july to track me down, he was just about to appoint a private detective, he only knew my name and that I lived somewhere HILL in london! how exciting , its like being in a film

His email has just popped up saying he would love to meet me in CAPRI... I just for the life of my cannot remember him though!! BUMMER....... but you know me, I am just about to agree to go

This whole thing would destroy Hottie, as all I do is declare undying love for him, which I feel is real, but I just cant stay with one man, I feel time is running out and I am on a mission to find THE ONE... I also want a baby......... I right now want a bottle of pills.......

I aint afraid of no ghost

2010-02-11T05:45:00.000-08:00

I promise to blog every day......life is getting stranger and stranger and I just have to share stuff with you

we have an unwanted visitor who has attatched itself to my daughter.......

The Michelin star chef, new boyfriend and very nice too came for dinner tuesday.....now I do rate myself as a decent cook, but blow me did I fuck up dinner......he came into the kitchen asking what the grainy stuff was in the casserole, 'rice; I gloomily replied.......ooh he said ' rice gravy that tastes like chicken!' ha ha, hilarious......

kids took a real shine to him, so did both my business partners and our pr girl, to say it was a busy night was an understatement

the chef sees dead people!!!!! so Evie drags him down to my bedroom where they sit quietly , nervously waiting for a sign! they got a sign allright, chef asks Evie what she hears, ' a deep groan' she replies, 'ok i am getting what you are hearing'

ITS A BLOODY DEMON.....this is not a joke, he asks me why I am not getting the magnitude of all this, I wonder why I just am not getting scared , then I realise I have already downed a bottle of Chablis so the ghost is kind of not bothering me........until........ I go downstairs and my huge chandalier starts swinging from side to side.....so much I cant hold it still, it almost came out of the ceiling. I open another bottle of wine...... I need it , really I do! and another

The kids beg the chef to stay over as we have all now scared ourselves to death, he declines, this is only our 2nd date, I have so far given him the worst dinner in the world, introduced him to my mad work team, who have had a huge row with the pr girl in front of him, he has been dragged all over the house ghost hunting , I am not suprised he decided to leave

So now nobody will go downstairs, I have myself and Evie on one sofa and Damien and his friend on another, as I try to calm them all down, we slip into a silent moment, when I hear the groan and deep breathing in my ear, and everyone hears it, we are all stunned, what do we do? i want to just jump up and leave but we calm down and try to sleep. Nobody really sleeps that night, tossing and turning... I get the whole sleep paralysis thing which I havent had for ages, and Evie swears the ghost has been stroking her face again...

As I sit here writing my blog , I see the priest approaching my house, so forgive me for signing off as am about to get the house exorcised

LONELY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-30T02:27:00.000-08:00

Sad christmas ......

had it all planned, christmas day here, local dinner kids and friends, Hottie and I off to a cosy cottage in Norfolk, I was looking forward to it..

I had Hottie here the weekend before, apart from his constant texting to his ex we had a great time, he did take the cross dressing one step further .......he wore my tights, not hold ups, TIGHTS, and no I didnt find it a turn on, but went along with it......so a couple of things are not quite right, the wearing of my undies and white shoes!!!!!! He actually wore the white shoes to dinner at the Hotel Costes in Paris, I was mortified.......but I am in love with him so what the hell...

He left here to go to his parents in Wales on the monday before christmas, she suprise suprise turned up with the baby...... I didnt get a phone call at all, the odd text....... I felt sick to my stomach, but let it go.....christmas eve they drove back home to hers, to have a thoroughly miserable christmas just the 3 of them, no phone call christmas day...

Christmas day, the hoff arrived Bentley outside, looking a billion dollars, why did I leave him? I ask myself every day......but I made my bed and shall lie in it.......uncomfortable as it is...... he has found happiness with his new bride and baby on the way, I have found unhappiness and after 3 trips to the IVF clinic with No man I may add, my hormones and so on are OLD and my eggs are fucked , so no chance of me becoming a mummy again......

christmas day came and went, no phone call from Hottie.........feeling rather unwanted

ruined a lovely christmas day by getting paraletic and yes class A got invited ......... woke up to find my best friend upstairs drinking coffee and calling me pathetic.......my neighbour whom she likes carried my drunken body down to bed and NO nothing happened and NO I would never ever do anything like flirt with a guy my mate likes, but she didnt see it like that, so now she would like to ruin my life .........I have seen a side to her that is quite scarey and seeing as I am innocent it has freaked me out

Boxing day I sit and cry most of the day.......Hottie cant afford the train fair here, so the cottage in Norfolk stands empty

I check out my face book ......... there in front of my very eyes are pictures posted of him and her having a jolly good time, a christmas eve party no less....... I cry some more.........

I cant take any more

TOO BUSY SHAGGING TO BLOG!!!!!

2009-12-01T07:02:00.000-08:00

PARIS

well sadly I have just got back to london, the train journey from St Pancras was quite something, I can honestly say, 'girls forget going to bars, eurostar was rammed with good looking men on their own'. I was in heaven... Hottie on the other hand was disgusted with me, how I didnt end up with whiplash I will never know, the amount of times I turned round........

so vous ete arrive... thats probably wrong, but hey Hotel Costes here I come.. how I missed this place, so romantic, sexy and totally ok to be as filthy as you want...

But this time I was with Hottie, not the ex super model , who as you know loves a swinging club or a car park!!!!!! no there was no way I was going to Le Chandelle, a friend of mine thought it was a bridge too far, or in one of her hilarious comments

' are you taking Hottie to Le Chandellle? a road which he will never come back from!'..... I have kept as much as possible from him about my previous history, the little he does know has already driven him crazy and I can sense he sometimes thinks what the hell has he done , leaving his partner for somebody like me......

Well we had a fabulous time, eating , drinking, sex, eating , drinking and a little shopping......

But all good things must come to an end, he went his way and I went mine....Primrose Hill, I never ever want to return to P hill, its way too destructive a place , too many pubs, parties, party animals, too much temptation.......so I think to myself........AA I really must think about stopping drinking, in all seriousness, I have a problem and I know it... But tonight I am off to Claridges with an old friend, I know I wont drink water, I would like to promise myself to be in bed by midnight ALONE.....

Depression I think is creeping in, the ex has bought a 5 milllion pound house round the corner to me, the new baby will be born shortly, he has his life sorted.... I am green with envy and I dont like myself for it....... I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself, I have single handedly fucked my life..... made my bed , have to lie in it.....

I HAVE TO BE SENSIBLE

2009-10-15T12:53:00.001-07:00

I really must stop drinking, start thinking straight........ just a small glass of wine tonight, kind of counts as nothing dont you think?

what a day....... Delila really thinks her daughter is so much nicer on a come down from MDMA, that must sound shocking to the average parent, but she is 21 .......so thats ok is it?

we laugh about this serious comment, as we walk out of Bikram yoga feeling at peace with the world, we are having a totally happy, free of chemicals, feeling smug kind of a day, when D comes out with the above comment....... I have to laugh, really belly laugh as I dont know of any other parent that could come out with something like that, and believe me she is a great , kind , considerate and really really responsible mother...

But rewind to yesterday, the ex ex came round , wanting to kill me over money, my money I might add and the fact that I refuse to support him anymore, a much longer story , one that I will tap into later , but things got really heated and he smashed up my house, the dog and I made a hasty exit....into the arms of the gorgeous builder of next door, police sirens came imminently , it was quite an afternoon.......

What with the divorce this week, the ex going off his head, I then get Hottie throwing his dummy out of the pram, ok it most likely is me, I am so used to getting my own way but with him, there is none of that, he has my number and I dont like it one little bit, but tomorrow we have to work together for a whole week........ How slaggish does this sound, ? I just want to sleep with him for the week then I am out of that relationship....... I am right now packing white knickers, thats his thing, I only just found out he is not into the red, yellow or black agent provocateur briefs , which is a result as the white ones only cost a quid in Primark, he will no doubt be wearing them, putting them on his head, or having me stuff them in his mouth, I am sure he will end up a cross dresser, I wont be around long enough to find out his real turn ons, but he sure has a few fetishes....... strangely enough I dont mind, in fact I quite like his perverse ways, they sure as hell dont come close to the ex........... at least dogging is not in the equation with this one.......Dont think he would enter the swinging world...... I miss my days in Paris.......

I HAVE TO BE SENSIBLE

2009-10-15T12:53:00.000-07:00

loving 70s music

2009-10-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

singing along to frankie valli ... ah such a lovely happy night, for a change

I have not had a drink all week

huge night saturday, everyone of my neighbours came to me for a party, so of course no complaints

but today had the essex next to model ex boyfriend come over , threaten to kill me , my boyfriend , aka hottie, himself, the whole of my street, it was more than scarey........ police came, all kicked off in my world today....how can I sit at my desk singing , booking xmas and new year in thailand and feel cool ? you may well ask! I could have easily been strangled and kicked to death, oops slagged off to death.. but I am here to tell the story.....

Dinner with my bf, the brass, hooker, prossie, what should I call her? so she lightens up my mood, her stories and tales of sextitution make me giggle and hang my head in wonderment

my good fucking god I often say, how the fuck do you do this shit? when I tell her of my proposition from the old bastard lawyer she just laughs, ' ITS JUST A JOB' ......... are you having a fucking laugh, he is covered in liver spots,!!!!!!! ' YES BUT HE IS JUST A PIECE OF WORK" , Oh sure he is a piece of work , ha ha............ she is on her 3rd glass of wine, first line of Bolivian marching powder....... I am about to enter her world

THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE

2009-10-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

As you know , divorce is pending...

Today I found out the ex is expecting.. a baby!!! of course, so I call him up and ask him, he denies it and says I am mad.... remembering over that tearful dinner he told me he would never ever have another child, selfishly I was happy with that, but the reality is that he is with a girl of 30 and of course she like any other woman would want her own child.

So I have just put the phone down to him admitting that it is in fact true... he said he wanted to tell me but knew it would crush me, again I sit at my desk tears streaming down my face ( I look a bit like alice cooper right now) god how can I make comical remarks when I am in tatters.

I feel once again like my life is SHIT and his is great, my mistake as I left him for the out of work supermodel, please please when will people begin to realise THE GRASS IS NOT BLOODY GREENER ..... It is in fact muddy and sparse....

I am consumed with jealousy, green venom going through my veins... How could he? What a bitch she is! bla bla bla.......

oh and get this, they are moving back to london, near me , baby in tow, perfect life, HUGE house, flash cars , first class flights, she will no doubt be skinny straight after the birth, probably go jogging after 24hours.. They are so PERFECT... I am a failure, putting on weight, drinking way too much, partying way too much, way too much botox, fillers going south in my face, struggling to look hip in my skinny jeans, cos I definately dont have skinny legs, struggling financially and struggling to come to terms with seeing a 28 year old......

Where did it all go so wrong? I had it all, and I mean it all, tonight as I open a bottle of wine , that I will surely drink all of ........ I hold my head in my hands.........

JEALOUS COW

FEELING BIPOLAR

2009-09-30T04:09:00.000-07:00

Didnt dump the Hotster...... walked into the hotel room, went to say 'we need to talk', next minute my knickers were on the floor...! I know what you are thinking... did he have them on? .

Oh god , I cant help myself, I am mad for him, but he is NOT the one for me

I am about to join SUGAR DADDY.COM, but hang on a minute, I already have 2, a really good one, who likes to fuck me around and send me to coventry for months at a time, so really not so good, but when I add up what he gives me in the space of a year, its equal to a decent salary.

Number 2 , I am still considering, the lawyer that is, but so far I am not starving alive and managing to keep head above water, so I may back burner him until such crisis arrives.... He is rather grim

I am taking Delila to see him today, she took a good beating last night from her ex and is in a desperate place this morning. So off we trot to see the Liver spotted old bastard, in hope he fancies her as much as he does me and waives his £500 per hour fee AGAIN!

As we walk through Primrose hill with the menace dog we look in the shop windows at this seasons new collections, sighing at each other, thinking out loud ' where did it all go so wrong?'

2 years ago we could have had anything, today suicidal thoughts creep in way too often, we are both hitting the bottle hard . Sure we have laughs and get glammed up and dance the night away, but tomorrow brings lots of brown envelopes , bills bills bills.

I had an idea today, The Dorchester, fuck it, The bar, a grand a night? we hope! we are off tonight to see what we can do.. or should I say who we can do....

Black dress, killer heels, matching undies( now thats a rare thing these days)

Wish us luck

SUNDAY LOVELY MORNING

2009-09-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

Not had much sleep, Hottie called me up at 3am! telling me he needs to talk! oh bore me later, its 3 a fucking clock in the morning

so he asks me a million random questions, one particularly frustrating one he asks

" that day when you wore that nice dress and you went to meet Delila for an hour, where did you go? who did you meet? why did you come straight in and take the dress off and change? Tell me the truth , did you meet someone? " Crazy as I cant even remember, maybe I took off my dinner to be more comfortable !!!!!!! I never realised how awful it would be to be with someone really jealous, and I cannot get away with anything, not one small fib, not one indescretion....its quite unnerving

I stayed up awake wondering, where in fact I had been? did I slip off to Rio's ? God no! I slipped off for a crafty glass of wine with my daughter's boss, who has been chasing me for months, nothing untoward happened, we chatted, he gave me tons of compliments, I toyed with the idea of changing my life and actually going for a sensible relationship, one where I would be with a grown up who paid my bills, paid me attention, took me on lovely holidays and generally took away my 3am night terrors, the ones that creep up on me during sleep, BT, GAS BILLS, MORTGAGE, SCHOOL FEES, FOOD, shall I go on?

I really have had the most awful struggle in the past 18months, gone are the days where I would jet off first class, kids, and out of work super model in tow, spending like I had won the lottery, thinking nothing of buying paintings at 10 grand a go, waltzing into Gucci spending 5 grand, art, jewelllery, plastic surgery, not forgetting a brand new Aston Martin...... dinners galore, brand new everything, spend spend spend......then my empire collapsed around my ears, literally, I was left holding the baby......No income whatsoever....... I had suicidal thoughts , and I really mean that, I stepped up my drinking big time, I spent 6 months in an alcoholic daze...

Then I opened a small cleaning company, friends could not believe that I was actually doing the cleaning myself, nor could I .....sometimes I would go to a job with my very small team, hoover, mop and bucket in my arms, when some gorgeous man would walk by, ( the kind of man I would usually bump into in SCOTT'S while wearing one of my new DVF dresses, but this time I am in my cleaning get up) I would want to cry, but I carried on head held high, with thoughts of " I can pay my bills this week and perhaps even have enough over to take my daughter to TOP SHOP"....

I was possibly the only cleaner in London pulling up in an Aston, seriously!!!

Can you imagine one day I am with Sugar in the Splendido belting out my version of HEY JUDE, swanning around in Roberto Cavalli,buying up shoes and bags like I am in Primark( he is my sugar daddy, thats what I do when we are together, SHOP) then next day I am on a flight home, booking in cleaning jobs........

I think I want to marry sugar... but I cant help really fancying younger men....Somebody help me

Right, just had a word with myself, I am dumping Hottie.......... I want somebody who can and will look after me, I am not getting any younger, in fact its my birthday tomorrow and I will be 45, as I say that I just cant believe it, 45..... thats sooooooo old and I am not wasting another minute.....

yep i am a hooker alright, but with a heart !

2009-09-21T12:31:00.000-07:00

Want to cry, apart from having to do the proper punctuations on this blog which after a bottle of wine is doing my brain in, I really want to cry

The Hottie has landed abroad as we know, but hey ho the not such a supermodel but younger than me ex girlfriend has arrived today, a conspiracy conjured up by HIS family if you dont mind!!!

So his battery has died, yeah right.....that old chestnut! well fuck him, cos my totally cool neighbour - ex neighbour from partying hell knocked on my door tonight, so cool I forgive him for his LOUD parties he has never invited me to, but tonight maybe out of pity he invited me to some very nice LFW party, I declined....... I was being faithful to Hottie, the arsehole, also I have a 5am call, to NORFOLK , yes really, a huge shoot, THE FARMER WANTS A WIFE and all that, no I have the hunter wellies all polished, skinny Current Elliot jeans, very fashionable Alexander McQueen jumper, may scrap that as it is meant to be a lovely day tomorrow, but I really had to decline as I need an early night, and having worked with Delilah my work partner today and seeing the state of her, she went out sat at 9pm and was still going strong at 6pm sunday, she was to say the least suicidal today, Satans birds had well and truly passed her by , she fucked off sleep at 6am and carried straight on.......God did I feel like Mother Theresa at the office today, 'I told you so' was coming thick and fast from my lips... he he

So am I a hooker? I cast my mind back to someone very close to Bill Clinton........ should I tell? hell yeah!

but for now I am so tired, so upset and really need my lovely white company new bedding, can I let you into a secret, this is also for non hookers, when you change your sheets, put tons of johnsons talc in between the sheets and duvet...... BLISS

AM I A HOOKER?

2009-09-20T02:34:00.000-07:00

Finally signed the papers, I will be divorced in 6 weeks... Mr Big Time Hot Shot Master of the Universe Lawyer has been trying to get into my knickers for 3 years, yes thats how long this divorce has been dragging on.... so finally it looks like I will never walk into his fuck off amazing office again....so I have agreed to have dinner with him tuesday night, he would like me for his girlfriend, well he is 60plus and I am as you know 40 ish, he knows financially I am up against it even with my settlement, so he knows how to get to me, he asks if we can have a mutually agreeable deal here, he would like to see me ( fuck me) twice a week, oh and the odd holiday and weekend away , in return he will help me financially! He is having a think about money and will bring along the Ts and Cs to Scott's on tuesday... Tempted? yes of course I am , but that means I will have to stay over at his and god help me, all the other stuff .. He did ask me last week, where do I see my self in 5 years time? I was tempted to say " living in your amazing house, without you as you will be dead!" I know what a bitch... One of my best mates is in fact a hooker, she says I must get at least a grand a night for this torture, and I should just get my head into work mode, look at it like this is WORK... work for fuck's sake is she mental..?

I am thinking about this deal, but Hottie would be mortified, he is old skool , not like the ex model who could not have cared less what I did as long as I brought the money home and shared it with me, in fact one time when I went off to Naples with a lovely Italian boy, he asked me to call him so that he could hear us having sex, the dirty perv... if I had done that it would have cost me thousands with vodaphone as the Italian wanted sex 7 times a day, god that was exhausting, good but way too much., and he didnt shave his pubes, disgusting, like bloody Epping Forest , I could have got seriously tangled up...

I have forgotten to say that I have a small problem this weekend, my filler has somehow moved and lodged itself under my eyes, I have developed 3 nice little pea type lumps , I do look a treat.. I may jest but am crapping myself and praying to God, the usual " please let me be ok, I will never ever have fillers, botox , surgery again, dear God" ...

Oops I have also got a standby in the wings, now he is bloody gorgeous, loaded, seriously cool, my friend cannot believe I am not all over him, he is a catch, film producer, wont be showing him my blog for obvious reasons! He was coming over to me last night, but I am feeling bad about Hottie, who is now in France with his family, no not the ex, she has stayed at home, but he has given up so much for me , how can I repay him by being unfaithful? I know I need help in this department, I am ashamed of myself that I just cant seem to have one relationship, during the week after a boozy lunch session, I actually went out and snogged 3 guys, 3 not 1... why? why do I do this? I arranged to see all of them for a series of dinner dates, theatre nights out.... Hottie went mad that I had not answered his calls that night, in fairness I didnt actually do this on purpose and passed out when I eventually got in.. but in the morning I woke up crying with shame... Called the ex model, who came over immediately to give me a cuddle and tell me I must give up drinking FOREVER! Hottie eventually forgave me , but I dont think he will be sticking around for long if I keep doing this shit.

I am off to the flower market now, I have had 2 early nights and feel happy and focused, long may I feel this way

ON A DIET

2009-09-16T03:22:00.000-07:00

I really want some skinny jeans, but need skinny legs to match, maybe if my lovely hottie would dump me I would achieve skinniness

his ex has lost 2 stone, does she know how lucky she is?

off to see him tonight in Somerset, I cant wait, just packing( plenty of kit) think I will leave the diamond encrusted whip that Sugar daddy bought me, oh how I miss him...........our last daliance was in Portofino, the Splendido no less, of course the biggest suite, all the better to swing you round in my dear! As usual I took to the dancefloor in the sedate bar , then proceeded to take to the mike.... and I cant sing, but fuelled with alcohol and a fab white Marilyn dress I got up and gave it my best shot.......later that night back in our room we had what could be classed as a S and M session, me covered in bruises the following morning ( what would my fans think by the pool?) sugar gets really carried away, I looked like I had been seriously beaten, not a lot of sex, more hardcore foreplay......was the 10 pairs of shoes, 4 handbags and cash worth it? YEEEEES ! this is a kind of prostitution but I am in the big league here..... We are talking Merc sports, first class flights, jimmy choos galore.... and as they say there is no such thing as a free lunch....... I work hard for my money

My ex ex supermodel , out of work supermodel never minded me seeing the sugar daddy, although I was never 100% truthful, all he knew was I always came home with cash and that suited him, Hottie on the other hand would never ever accept this

I must dash, off to see my divorce lawyer , I am trying to get out of the blowjob I agreed to

WHAT A WEEKEND

2009-09-14T13:38:00.001-07:00

No CLASS A this weekend, feeling sooooo much better for abstaining, really it is not worth the suicidal next day, and oh SATAN'S BIRDS aren't they just fuckers? They really do know how to make you feel bad, its almost like you wish you had a coffin! there are days when I really think I would like to be a vampire!!!!! That coffin is really appealing at 6am, scrub that 7am..

But seriously the weekend.......

Stayed in sat night, banished the kids to their friends , they could've stayed on the streets for all I cared! as long as I had the night with my Hottie boyfriend...... we were in bed by 9pm, isn't lust the most wonderful invention? He wakes me up at 3am for a cuddle and a chat! I mean for fucks sake if my ex husband or long term boyfriend did that, I would very likely knock them

out, but this guy could wake me up on the hour every hour and I would smile and giggle, perhaps get up and clean my teeth every bloody time I did a pee!

The strangest thing was my ex husband and Hottie himself met on sunday morning, I was downstairs straightening the fuck out of my hair, had no idea the ex had arrived for his meeting with my errant but hilarious teenage daughter....... When I heard them talking I wanted to die, there was the ex, all coiffed and suited and booted, there was the Hottie, flip flops, jeans and a beanie hat...... difference in age, her give or take 25 years!!! Meanwhile the ex desperately wants to tell Hottie my age, please dont I say I just had a grands worth of fillers and another grands worth of botox, if I get any older I will have to start looking into being a dominatrix to afford this shit.. in fact I think I could really do that ! you know giving someone a beating for a couple of grand, although my really close friend who is a hooker says its mad......she is into giving people pleasure, kindness and all that , not into the pain and hurting people.......well I beg to differ I reckon I could really get into the whole whipping thing.......

Now there's a thing, the Hottie really gets off on a slap or two, so I know I could do this easily, whats with all this domination ? why do some people really get off on being abused? Are water sports just a form of putting someone down? degradation? why? is this something we take from our childhood? how can the hottest, fittest , great looking , son of a bitch want to be beaten, slapped, handcuffed and pissed on? I tell you this aint normal, or is it? are people really honest? is this just refreshing?

Are you asking me? I have just come out of a relationship with the MOST totally handsome shagger to the stars, young fit, funny , soooo good looking guy it would make you weep, and he was so fucking out there....Normal just did not do it for him in the end, we went down a road there was NO coming back from....... Do I think we should have done that? HELL NO! Once when I was young I had a much older , wiser boyfriend, he gave me one piece of advice

NEVER LIVE OUT YOUR FANTASIES

good night x

SPENT THE NIGHT IN CHANCERY LANE POLICE STATION

2009-09-12T00:33:00.000-07:00

What a night.

Had my best black dress on, my daughter did my hair and make up... off I go to collect my soon to be gorgeous ex husband, as I beep up at his sisters house, I giggle to myself, if only the inlaws could see me now...... so off we go to la petite maison, my favourite london restaurant..... we had a great night, I as usual ended up crying , he poured his heart out to me and told me he loved me deeply, but I had hurt him, the pain in his eyes made me cry even more, then tears rolled down his face as he told of how I had destroyed him and how in the 8 years we had not been together he had had to rebuild his life.....He had heard many stories of my serial unfaithfullness during the 20 year we had been together..... as I stare at him across the table I see the most amazing kind man, how could I ? I had also in the process ruined mine and the lives of our children with my selfishness . As I sit at my computer writing this I have tears in my eyes, I have to take my glasses off to wipe my eyes dry...... He says he will NEVER EVER in all his life sleep with me again, he imagines us together when we are old but could never bring himself to have sex with me . He now has a honest trustful relationship with a girl 20 years his junior, she is serbian and loves him, she is the person he will spent the rest of his life with because he has TRUST, something he never ever had with me, and the way my life is going probably never would have.

we carry on drinking champagne, 'here's to our divorce" ....

we leave and move swiftly on to Claridges, we look a dashing couple,people stare and must think we are together , not out celebrating the end of an era.. 28 years to be precise

He lectures me about telling lies about my age....I tell him to fuck off, he laughs, we hold hands and giggle like teenagers, I look at him and cry again..

We leave , I ask him to drive but he declines.......I drive....... I end up in chancery lane police station until 2.30am, I will lose my licence......He calls the kids, they are out partying , teenagers they just say 'Oh really, whatever dad "

I switch my phone on and text my young man.....he is furious, and refuses to believe me, seriously this past week, he has heard I have had an affair with one of his friends, and also my gardener, I dont have a garden, more like a patch resembling Day of the Triffids...... I feel guilty, like walking through Customs when you know you dont have 10 kilos of heroine in your suitcase but you sure as hell feel like you do...

so I throw my toys out of the pram, call him up at 3am profess my innocence, not innocent in the drink driving incident you understand! but my loyalty to him, but am I lying to myself and him ? I am in love with my ex husband

frozen face

2009-09-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

Hmmm , well not sure I am looking hot, my face hurts, I for sure have lovely new apple cheeks, but ouch did it hurt... and in my pocket too, the price we pay for a pillow face! This is a cliche but I am definately growing old disgracefully......

Now whats with the white barbed wire hairs growing out of my beauty spot( mole) I am so not into these, please dont tell me its the pubes next....oh the shame of it, but a full on hollywood will take care of that, another expense

I had to take into consideration the cost of my monthly make myself younger looking bills when I agreed my divorce settlement... will have to add hair removal from mole now, oh the list is endless...

And started NO CARB diet yesterday, but ate a 2lb bag of potatoes, 4 pitta bread ( do they count as real bread) 2 bottles of wine, to myself, and so far today, a marshmallow ( I had to have it after the pain of the injectables) oh and a chicken sandwich.. Never enough water......but wine is still a fluid.....

Must have an early night, got the lovely young boyfriend arriving in the morning. But just noticed a few greying hairs in my hair line, must get those done, dont really have time, so will just pluck them out. Off to knicker box later to get him some new panties, absolutely not having him wearing the agent provocateur ones, its just not on. Saturday nights usually involve him either wearing my panties or just lately putting them on his head, which is a bit disturbing as he looks like Hannibal Lector, you can picture how he wears them, I am wondering if he is going to ask to wear my dresses, I can see an argument brewing if he goes for the one I want to wear tomorrow night.

friday morning

2009-09-11T00:28:00.000-07:00

Have a huge hangover and puffy eyes......getting drunk with my ex after signing divorce papers was perhaps not a good idea!

this morning my face is plastered in EMLA cream numbing my face ready for a large dose of fillers......yes I know its madness, but I am 45 next week and tell everyone I am 38......

oh yes I forgot to mention I have a 28 year old boyfriend.

Another saga in my life... god is he gorgeous, and young and fit and funny, but in the navy

we met at work , he was one of my new trainers, and let me make this clear, I have never ever shagged my staff, but on the last night I made an exception to the rule and ended up in bed with him......how was it? my good god AMAZING, the sexual connection was incredible, we woke up smiling, that feeling I wish I could bottle it up and sell it.

He promptly left his girlfriend 4 weeks later, and more or less moved in with me in Primrose hill, we partied and spent most of our time in bed...

I will reveal more about the bedroom later, lets just say he has a few quirky ways! Now I have always been a little adventurous in the bedroom, but never had a guy wanting to wear my panties......my best agent provocateur ones too.

So september arrives, school holidays are over, the parties finish, we all go back to reality and my young man goes back to the Navy....

The fallout begins, the now ex girlfriend is not a happy camper, the threats , the phone calls, its never ending

she tries to befriend me, which I almost fall for, how can this be possible? its madness, we spend a couple of days on the phone, 'he is a wanker, a liar, a cheat, he apparently is still sleeping with her and telling her I am not the girl for him" I am horrified, how can he? but he is saying the same to me, I never ever thought I would fall for this bullshit, but I have gone 'hook,line and sinker'. Have I forgotten to add he has a 16month old child, who he adores, the baby is being held to ransom as you can imagine.. I have met the baby, she is adorable, we spent a weekend all together when SHE was on holiday, SHE would freak if she knew this.

last week she sent a email to everyone of my business contacts telling them I am a OLD SLAG who will steal their boyfriends , husbands, BEWARE! OF THIS MONSTER!

And a follow up few hundred text messages calling me a OLD WOMAN , well I couldnt really give a shit about the other stuff, its the OLD thats killing me.........

My doorbell has just rang, its Teena with a bag full of rejuvination potions, I cant wait

signed my divorce papers todayI

2009-09-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

signed my divorce papers today! and waiting patiently for the soon to be ex husband to come to my primrose hill pad for dinner..... I left him 8 years ago for an out of work super model, why? lust! now...... I want my ex back, I love him and I am in pain, but he has moved on, onto a skinny serbian 20 years my junior.....one word he has for me... TRUST, he loves me but most importantly in his life, he now has trust, sure she is skinny and young , but not a looker, and I am sure there is no sexual connection......but he can trust her, something he never had in me......sadly I was never faithful and I am ashamed of that..

I also have the most powerful divorce lawyer in the UK and I am not joking...... he has not done a bad job , but at £500 per hour which I could ill afford it has amounted to quite a lot. I have been for dinner with the lothario, he had said he would do my divorce for free, 'rowing in my boat' was what he said, but today he issued me with a £19.000 bill, we had a deal at £5000 and a blowjob!

I am thinking when it comes to the dirty dead, blow job, then he should give me £5000, we shall see, so tomorrow at PETIT MAISON I will throw that out to him