I am back again

Persian counts baby is lovely... welcome to my mental world... its been 5 months, buddy the wonder dog doesn't like the baby though!! Theres a surprise.... so yes I am still seeing him, why ? you ask....!!! nobody else to replace him... its bloody tough out there, and I have turned into a full time alcoholic... its costing me a fortune at Nicolas wine shop.....I don't feel safe doing dinner and just having one bottle of wine, I am a 2 a night girl now, although I do share.. sometimes.....

So fuck it I LOVE WINE , SO WHAT....

Had the Hoff for dinner last night, his wife and BABY are away in Serbia, so I my cooking and dining companionship are required, but not without PC.. we had an okay night, feel quite disturbed sitting with them both while they discuss their babies... Its a strange old world, well in my world it is.... God I have missed blogging...

This morning while at work, in my shitty office in Queens park, the wrong end .. my neighbours in the grocery shop, don't just sell milk... if you get my drift... it is quite funny here though.. so the Hoff calls, invites PC and me out to lunch sunday, he likes PC, but did say he was rather disappointed in the fact that at my birthday he saw PC coming out of the loo, in 2's, wiping his nose.. I vehemently denied the fact that he dabbled a bit in the hard stuff.... but Hoff knew.... and he didn't like it , not one bit.....

I am off to the Cotswolds later for a night of passion and sleep ( I have not been sleeping) but I don't feel like passion...... just wine will do

IT JUST GOT A WHOLE LOT WORSE

The whole of st johns wood know about our latest drama........Baby due any day......The persian is in a loveless marriage, got her pregnant when just about to leave for me........Timing was horrendous, he wanted to tell me, days went into weeks, weeks into months until we are almost 9months...... I keep walking past baby shops, gutted...

Have spent the whole week, laughing with Delila through my tears... bastarding him off every 2 seconds... Saffy and my new pa Abigail, got a little plan , they customised the backgammon board he bought me, with things like PERSIAN CUNT, DONT MESS WITH THE BIG TITTY COMMITTEED, a little word game inside, They then went to the local bookies where he practically lives and handed it over for his attention... He collected it and promptly threw up in the high st...

Yesterday we had a huge work meeting, will explain later, but all went well, so D and I put on our high heels and went to Scotts........ well 2 bottles of champagne later, who walked in ....? Persian with his mates, strangely it couldnt have gone better as D and I were sitting with 2 friends from IBIZA.... I laughed at the way it looked.... anyway the day flew by, champagne flowed, laughter and tears... I went to the toilet and as I came out, there he was, he threw me into the ladies, pulled my hair back and kissed my neck........we went all the way, not romantic, but needed.......oh god my belly went over and is going over just thinking about it

D and I left with our 2 guys, but half an hour later, I left them and jumped a cab back to Persian ......... we left and sat in the Connaught, so glamourous and perfect.......... yep we ended up back in bed..............

This morning taking the gremlin for a walk in the park, there he was again.......crying to me how much he loves me, he hasnt led 2 lives, just one with me.........he is destined to stay with her and me , well I am alone again..............

NO MORE MARRIED MEN

THE BAD NEWS DEPARTMENT

Went for a little drive with the Persian..... he has a brand spanking new range rover, hence hands free phone..... He had been chatting business with a friend, I as usual was on my blackberry..... almost ignoring him, when I heard....' so mate, seems like congratulations will be in order soon! baby due any day!!!"

Whaaaaaat.. I hear myself scream.......... flabbergasted, lost for words......Incredulous.......

'so when were you going to tell me ?" I say.... not even shouting, too shocked for words, not sure whether I want to laugh, cry, gasp......that weird out of body feeling.........

' I LOVE YOU " he says, cries almost .... when was the right time " I tried"

my family wouldnt let me..... ' oh really, you are 40 years old '

YOU FUCKING BASTARD............. and that was the end of him

FEEL SO MUCH BETTER

Although pmt to death.....Hoff has now invited me and Iranian to Harry's Bar saturday night.....too much madness

1. I fucking cant stand looking at the Persian...../ Iranian... what the fuck.... you know when you really know you are over someone, when you hate every little thing they do? before he could have said anything and I would have fallen about laughing!!

2. I dont want to bloody go to dinner with the ex and wife, its just too weird...

3. And I dont want to go to Forte Dei Marmi, on a family holiday... I did that when I was married to him.........

Oh god, my mum has given me a power talk today, get rid of all the exes... I hadnt told you on William's 20th in January, I had the Hoff, Persian, son's boss( ex) and the out of work supermodel........it was kind of funny, not so when I slipped and fell on grease in the middle of Momo's.......

I want my own man, my own castle, perhaps a baby, prob can buy one somewhere I am sure of that, a nice one though....

At work, fluctuating between blogging, getting distracted by so many screens, net a porter, rightmove( castle shopping) and email bookings....

bank holiday madness/sadness

compelled to come back blogging and write this

Saffy's 18th went down well , The Summer house , little venice.... everyone, friends and family and the persian came along with me.... The Hoff came with his wife, I was on best behaviour, not necking the wine at breakneck speed, until I saw the monster on her finger which was a canary yellow god knows how many carats, but value £250.000 yep quarter of a mill!!! I was stunned, and going greener with envy by the minute, soon I was speed drinking..........

Ugh!!!

But a great time was had by all, I had had a million phones calls prior to the lunch from the Hoff, saying he was NOT paying for everyone, this went on and on ....I dont argue anymore, but pay he did, for godsake his daughter's 18th and there were only 16 of us..... He bought her one boob, ( she wants a boob job>>>I know its madness, but she does have one more than twice the size of the other) so I have had to pay half, even though his wife is going in a week later, same surgeon and yes of course he is paying..... Incidently the butcher of brazil... lol, did my lipo 2 weeks ago, OMG amazing, finally got the waist back I had 15 years ago.....

Bank holiday weekend..... For the 6th time, the Hoff insisted we all go to his for lunch yesterday.... I have politely declined 5 times and sometimes just not even turned up....! rude I know , but do you want to know why? He lives in a castle...........I dont know how much more he wants to rub my nose in it.... so yesterday I deliberated and was going, wasnt going , was , wasnt until Saffy just said , " oh for god's sake get it over with and go, he is never going to stop inviting you until you do'.... my son really didnt want me to as he knew how upset I was going to be.... So I held my breath, called up the Hoff.....' look I really feel uncomfortable and down right crazy about coming to yours for lunch, do you want to see ME or do you just want to show me what you have etcc... with that I burst into tears on the phone, he assured me he wanted to see me and I was mad to think he wanted to make me jealous...... Okay, I legged it to Nicolas wine shop, best montrachet and champagne, then baby gap( they dress the baby like a boy and really cheap) .... insisted the Persian came along, he was not that amused.......

my fave sis in law was there and we had a truly lovely day.......... and yes it was a mansion , castle , I dont think I have ever seen rooms that big, and so much of my old beautiful antique furniture, photos everywhere of the Hoff and wife.......and my kids ...........I think I did rather well to cope........

We watched BGT and left........I silently cried under my sunglasses, then cried myself to sleep.

Today is another day and I have to re evaluate my life...dump the Persian and carry on

Bin laden is dead.....

ITS BEEN A LONG 6 MONTHS BUT NOW I AM BACK

Sad to say, I am broken hearted, but this time for real

The Iranian and I fell in love, what more can I say.....

we had ups and downs, the odd lets finish this, he cannot see himself leaving bla bla, no fairy tale ending..... huge emotional times in Cafe Rouge, tear jerking moments when they played some sad french song.... They know us now, we are called the ST ...... wood's golden couple......

I made plans to go for IVF in Iran early next year, hell I even nearly told him my real age

We spent every waking moment together, its been intense...

Yesterday in the snow in the park, I just had to know where we were going and when and would he leave.. I am off to Goa wednesday so I just had to know....

We walked through the park, the tree lined bit thats so romantic, he told me a story about a film, where two people were so in love, but somehow the guy let the girl down... They parted... a while later , the guy still in love with her, walked through the park, she walked towards him, he smiled she just walked on by....

I sit at my desk, without eyelashes( because the cockney chinese girls put false lashes on me and every other sad girl in essex, you know it, my lashes have all fallen out) so with puffy eyes and no eyelashes I look like a nutter...

cry, I have never cried like it

I want to feel ok, its fucking christmas.......he is staying with a wife he never sees and doesnt love......... alone again

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

Getting my act together ish.......no still drinking, and sorry to say still partying....... as much as ever

but have a feeling its all going to change, I am now CHANTING.......I love it , Buddhism is the way forward......I have been told I can chant for what I want and will get it, my friend who told me this, has no idea how greedy I am....... its slightly difficult chanting and thinking or asking for stuff, I wonder if this really is going to work!!!!! but its a fab distraction and its making feel nice

Saffy caught me yesterday and took a video of me, she laughed........I sighed ... it could've been worse, catching me chanting surely is much better than being caught running round the house naked swinging from chandaliers, which incidently I have never done........

Life is good, fantastic in fact, I am happy, so happy......reasons to be cheerful? so many.

Persian and I really stepped up the game, running ( badly) chilling in the park, fresh air inspectors are we....... eating, more chilling in the park......generally fucking about a lot......him going slowly skinter, me just not a care in the world.....NOT great for someone who is just embarking on brand new fashion business......... so we had THE CHAT............' There will not be a fairy tale ending" says he........'why?' says I ......... ' I am never leaving, will always be married!" ' oh fine" NOOOOOOOOOOTTTTT...........argh! fuck fuck fuck, or rather we wont be doing that again........oh but we did , 3 times in 1 hour, have thrush now......no suprise there then.

Joking aside, we like each other so much and we started out as friends, took us 4 years to get to a relationship, and 4 minutes to be out of it, we have decided friends it is, so now we see each other MORE........ we chill in every london park, I sit there on the deckchairs with my knickers on, cos its hot as you know and I dont usually carry random bikinis...... I dont wear matching underwear, or even glam knickers....... never saw the need....... so there we are , him with no top on, me no jeans on, eating ice creams and talking utter crap......... we looked at each other and quietly smiled.........we really are friends, and it really gives me goose bumps............

see ya all tomorrow , cos I am back